Maxine Monday

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Steve Jobs is evil! Or a comedian. Not sure which.

If you have an iPhone you are already familiar with auto-correct.  When you type, the iPhone predicts what you are trying to say and automatically completes words or changes them totally, assuming it knows what you are trying to say better than you do.  There are times when I think those iPhone developers got drunk or high and sat around figuring out what ridiculous things to change different words to like - always change happy to herpes or song to spit.  Or worse.  Much much worse.  Turns out - there is a website dedicated to chronicling people's experiences with auto-correct.  Glad it's not just me.


Warning, if you have had children or are of a certain age - empty your bladder appropriately before continuing.  Offering you the benefits of my mistake.

Need a tissue?

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Maxine Monday

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Risking the rude stuff

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I'm supposed to have a sleep study done pretty soon.  Hopefully.  My reaction?  "Coo-o-o-o-o-l!!"  I've always thought it sounded like a neat thing to do.  A friend of mine had one recently and found out she stopped breathing 4 times during the night.  Not sure I want to know that.  But on the other hand, it's still cool to go somewhere and get all wired up and find out what you do at the one time every day that you have no idea what you are doing.  I mean really.  You could be sleep walking, you could be crank calling strangers.  Of course you could be sleeping peacefully and not making a sound, or you could be snorting like a pig and baying like a beagle.  You. Don't. Know.  


So I am hoping to do this in the next month or so.  From what I have been told they recommend you bring your own pillows if that will make you comfortable, your favorite jammies, a book, your laptop, whatever will help you feel at home and contribute to the most normal sleep you can get away from home with goobered up wires stuck in your hair and down your shirt and wherever else they put them.  


The only creepy thing about it to me is - they don't just watch the monitors.  They watch you.  How many people do you suppose scratch and wipe and make noises with accompanying odors that have nothing to do with the sleep study, but someone is observing anyway?  I mean - there could be people behind a window making a drinking game out of every time you *insert disgusting action here*.  Again, you just. don't. know.


I guess I'll risk the ridicule to find out why I don't sleep well anymore when it used to be one of my specialties.  Oh I was a champion sleeper!  Now - I toss and turn all night long.  And I am so tired.  I won't bring my pillows or a favorite blanket or anything, but you can bet I will bring my laptop and Eeyore.  Yes, I sleep with Eeyore.  He comes with me.  I mean really, you need someone to blame the rude stuff on, don't you?

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All is well, I can breathe again.

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I received my money back today for my Ambien fueled purchase last week.  Was that last week?  I don't even know.  But I only had to make one phone call and TA DA!!

You won't find one single little Ambien pill in my house anywhere, and you can bet I can do without now.  If I didn't learn from this lesson, I'm a damn fool.

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Maxine Monday

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What DOES one do with a dead possum?

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Yes I know it's opossum, but who says that?  I came home from work as usual tonight, after dark, also as usual. I'm tired but it's Friday so I am happy.  I gather my purse and my bag of fast food and get out of the car, moving around to the back to open the door and take my computer bag out.  I set it on the driveway and pulled the handle out, wheeling it around behind me as I stepped toward the porch and the dead animal.  WHAT?  


After I stood frozen to the spot for a full minute or 2 it occurred to me that I couldn't do anything right that second and OH!  It's a possum!  Probably scared him when I drove up the driveway!  I stepped over him making sure I didn't hit him with my computer bag as I stepped up on the porch, unlocked the door and went inside.  

GRAPHIC IMAGE

Um .. does anyone know how long a possum traditionally plays possum once the cats aren't watching from the window anymore?  Cause - it's awful cold out there and he's really going to be dead if he doesn't get up and run away soon.  


GO Mr. Possum, go!  Mr. Possum?  Ew.


**Apparently people pay $55.00 for a man to come and take away animals that have crawled up your driveway to die.  I guess the city only takes them for free if it is on the street or the parkway.  NO, I'm not dragging it down to the street.  Ew.  He's kind of a cute big headed little animal (his name is Larry) but possums are nasty, germy animals.  I'll let a professional handle it.


***And then the man who was coming out this morning calls and says he can't find my address.  Turns out he thought I was in another town.  If it's my town - the price is $125.00.  So lets be clear. There is an empty lot across the street, kitty corner to me.  If I were a bad citizen I could pick up Larry with a shovel, carry him across the street and unceremoniously dump him.  Ahem.  Instead I say no thank you to the $125.00 offer and move on.  He calls back - how about $85.00?  Um, no thank you.  I called somewhere else - IN the town I live in - $150.00!  For a possum that is not under a porch or in an attic or inside my garage.  Larry is laying peacefully on my driveway, next to the porch.  Next phone call - found a guy who can be here in a half hour for $65.00.  Sold.  Somehow this is not a contingency I have ever planned for.  I must remember to plan better.
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Can't be nice about this.

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Simply the most vile, despicable, revolting human beings around, these are members of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Most are related to the founder Fred Phelps, who at some point fixated his "ministry" on his hatred of homosexuals.  It's bizarre to me.  They protest at soldiers funerals yelling about how soldiers die because God is punishing us because homosexuality is practiced on this earth.  What. Ever.  They make no sense to me what-so-ever. 

So they celebrate the death of soldiers at their funerals.  Aren't they happy, shiny people?


And they like to put their kids out there.  I will never understand living your life in pursuit of hate. 

I thought it was bad when they threatened to protest Elizabeth Edward's funeral.  I never heard anything so they might have backed off, having gotten the attention they wanted just by the threat alone.  But this - this is over the line even for them.  Now they are saying they will protest at the funeral of the 9 year old girl Christina Green,  who died in Tucson this weekend.  Good Lord. 

They have proved they have no decency.  But don't they have even a shred of humanity?
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Maxine Monday

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On being nice.

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It's sort of amazing the kind of connections you make online, the people you grow to care about and come to know.  Of course you don't really know them, for the most part people can be whoever they want to be online.  But you read people's blogs and you follow their stories and you can't help yourself.  You care.


I have shed tears over misfortunes people have experienced, donated money and written emails of condolence or support to people who touch me.

The funny thing is, I do not let many people get too close to me in "real life."  Psychoanalyse me up and down and all day long, I don't care.  Whether or not I have had greater hurts or betrayals in my life than anyone else or not, apparently what has happened causes me to protect myself.  And I choose not to find out if I can change that or not.  It is a state of affairs I am very much aware of and I like my shield, thank you very much.  But, I can still make a difference sometimes.  


Besides no more Ambien, I think I have a resolution for the year after all.  Through this blog and commenting on others and forming those bonds online, I have discovered how much it means to someone sometimes, to hear something positive or encouraging from someone else.  I hope I have touched some people in a good way, I can guarantee you others have done it for me.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, sometimes it's just making someone smile once in an otherwise sucky day.  Other times it's reminding someone that they matter.  We all have the ability to touch other people.  It's easy to say one more nice thing than you normally would, smile when you might not feel like it, or toss a lifeline to someone who needs a hand up.  


Doing that is my resolution for the year.  Nothing big or grand but I want to make one person's day, every day.  It really doesn't take much and I'm betting I will get it back in spades.  


And just so y'all know, I appreciate you.  Those that comment and those that do not.  I am glad to have the chance to know you even if it's only in a small way.  You matter to me.


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So far so good on getting my money back for my Ambien fueled idiocy.  But we will see if it's really as easy at it seems.  Will let you know!

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I did something bad. Really bad.

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How many times have I written about shopping on Ambien?  Ha ha so funny, I bought Mighty Putty and bracelets to give me balance and make me stronger, miracle vitamins God knows what else I can't remember right now.  Ambien and I are going to have to part ways.

Tomorrow I am going to have to spend a good part of my day (most likely) on the phone trying to get my money back from one of those "work at home" kind of scams that have a cheesy website with "As seen on CNN and ABC News!" across the top.  I could really be sick right now if I didn't want to cry more.


I had a feeling most of the day today that there was something in the back of my mind, something hanging over my head that wasn't good.  It wasn't definitive and I didn't know where it was coming from.  When I got home and read my email with the 2 receipts totaling something around $300.00 spent, I realized that had to be the bad thing.  I can only assume that I had some reservations when I did it and that left a residual doubt in my mind.  But I DON'T REMEMBER DOING IT.
  
I did though.  Because when I went to the website I could log in to the member section using my email address and a familiar password I use.  No one else could set that up for me.  What makes me so angry is that I know better!  I never would have signed up for something like that if not for the Ambien.  I know those schemes where you pay THEM to earn money are scams.  Straight up.  Good Lord. 

So yes.  I will spend a good part of my day tomorrow working on getting my money back, possibly filing complaints with the appropriate agencies if I can't, and feeling like a MORON.  Might have to make a belated New Year's resolution so in the future I can say - Ambien free since 2011.

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Cat tip #1, 2011

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I should be in bed, yes early, but I'm not.  I am not doing anything productive right now when I could be so I thought I would give you your first cat tip of the year.  I know you were waiting.  


So, you know when you look at your cat and your cat looks back and neither one of you is blinking?  Yeah, you know.  If you want to show your dominance which the cat knows you have anyway because you feed them, stare right at them.  The cat will eventually blink and wow!  You won!  


But more satisfying to me, especially with a cat you don't know, is being the first to blink.  If when you are making eye contact with a cat and you do one of those slow lazy blinks that cats do (or my old friend Norine used to do when she was drunk)  - their eyes will usually narrow a bit, if not go into a full blink themselves.  You have just told them you are not a threat to them.  You are saying "Dude!  Get over yourself, I wouldn't mind being friends.  Or at least I don't want to fight with you Dude, okay?"


Those are the exact words.  And then - you will have taken your first step toward being cool with that cat.  Try it.  Tell me if those aren't the exact words the moment evokes.  


And if you do really good, maybe they'll stick their tongue out at you which means they are saying "I love you so much I want to kiss you!"


Okay I lied about that.  But the slow blinking works.  Really.  


You're very welcome.


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Maxine Monday

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