Wherein I reveal uncomfortably dirty laundry.

*
Going back to work tomorrow, and I'm kinda scared.  Still feeling raw, and before my brother left to go back home he asked if I was on my meds.  Well yeah!  But taking antidepressants does not stop you from feeling what anyone else does when a loved one dies.  ???   Plus, I am a crier.  I am the emotional one.  Always been that way.  Yet I came to some disturbing realizations about our family, I cried, and I got that question.  For a person who has suffered from depression for a long time, it's the equivalent of asking a woman "are you getting your period?"

My family kind of sucks.  Not my kids of course, I'm speaking about my siblings.  Okay, and me.  We don't truly get along and we all have too much of my dad in us.  None of us are married, everyone has been married and divorced twice except me, and that's only because I don't want to do it again.  But after an argument with one brother I burst out to the other one - "I hate our family .. !!".. pause.."dynamic!"  And the realization that we don't really have a family unit, that my mom was what held us together at all, made me sad.  So, am I off my meds?  NO!! 

And .. I kind of went off on one brother (not the one I argued with) because he wants to give my sister money right off the top of what my mom has left us to make there be some equality between how much money my mom gave all of us over the years.  That's fine.  I couldn't care less.

But.

He's making it sound like a moral equivalency because my sister feels ostracised by the family, feels no one understands the things she did or why, in relation to my mom.  Like giving her money and making things equal will make her feel like we care.  Putting the whats and whys aside, what I do know is that for the 2 years my mom lived with my brother, my sister did not see my mom.  For the time my mom was here and in the nursing home by me, my sister did not come to see her.  Even after several hospitalizations during which the doctors were not sure she would make it, my sister did not come. 

So if my brother feels some need to make things equal for my sister, that's fine.  Money isn't the important thing and honestly - it's what my mom would have wanted.  But he can stop trying to couch it as a human response to my emotional sister who has his ear and is most likely only dealing with her own guilt.  I just don't feel the need to soothe her psyche or his.

.. climbing down now ..

Oh, and for the record - I have said before, my meds made such a huge difference for me in my life, someone will have to pry them out of my cold dead hands one day.   NOT off my meds.  Just grieving.  What a concept.

*

It's a new day

*
Thank you to all of you who expressed your sympathies on my mothers passing.  It's a wonderful place this blog land, isn't it?  I do appreciate all the kind words.  It makes a difference, truly.

Feeling a bit like I've been submerged under the sea for 15 days and am now coming up to the surface a little at a time, adjusting to each small distance as I slowly move through it.

The last time I was at work was on October 21st, and will not be going back until November 11th.  In 23 years that is the longest I have ever been away and I'm a bit nervous about going back.  Feeling a bit fragile I guess, worried about the stress.

While Mom was in the nursing home and even in the hospital I was thinking about her.  Making sure she had what she needed, visiting, keeping her company, and sitting on an ottoman next to her bed (in the hospital) holding her hand still felt like I was doing something.  Even after she was gone I felt a need to circle the wagons and close the circle around her so no one not intimately involved in her life would wander into our small group of family as we grieved. 

This morning my brothers went home.  One to New Jersey, one to Washington state.  There is no nursing home to go to now, no hospital to hurry to, Mom doesn't need me to care for her anymore.  No laundry to do other than my own, no copious amounts of chocolate to buy.

It's done.

And honestly?  I'm not sure how to start again, where to go from here.  If anyone knows where my reset button is, please let me know.  Because I'm a little freaked out.

*

Maxine Monday

~ * ~

~ * ~

There is no stillness like it.

*

Mom passed at around 5:00 a.m. this morning.  The rest of the journey is hers alone.

*

She is not struggling anymore and for that I am grateful, but I will miss her.

I love you Mom.

*

Maxine Monday

*
Some things must remain constant ..

~ * ~

~ * ~

*

Angels among us

*

In a situation like this it's amazing how many people help you through it.  People who don't know you, don't know your loved one, but are there to help, guide, and comfort.  Like Kim from the E.R.. She told me about her mother and when she died, she came up to see my mom 2 days after she could have forgotten about her, she offered her comfort and let me know my mom had touched her.  There was Rich, a chaplain who sat with me on Sunday for a good 3 hours in the E.R. and talked with me about all kinds of things.  Quiet and simple conversation to make the time passing not so agonizing.  Velina on the 6th floor was exceptionally caring and gentle with my mom, and Lisa, the hospital/hospice liaison.  Kari, too.  They have all been wonderful.

Dr. Santa (yes, really) and Dr. Short, extremely gentle and kind and thankfully, honest with me.  It seems at every turn there is someone asking if I need something, if I think my mom is comfortable, asking me what I want to do, what measures we want to take.  There have been 2 more chaplains that have stopped in to offer solace and Elizabeth from the hospice team who is a constant, compassionate and helpful in letting my daughter and I know what the actual signs of dying are, what things and actions mean.  Sometimes there is great comfort in the science. 

Of course there are the people I work with who have been keeping in contact and offering support, they have all been wonderful through is.  And my blog-friends are terrific, always willing to listen to my happy and my sad and to offer their kinds words even when it's a difficult time and subject.

I came home just to feed my animals so my crabby old man cat doesn't poop on my bed, and to shower, but I felt a need to do this as well.  My mom is tough, she is hanging on but is surely going.  I have had a lot of time to say everything I need to say for me, and everything (I hope) she needs to hear. And writing here is one more way of working through the process.

My mom lived with my brother for 2 years and now he says I signed up for the hard leg of the journey.  But truly, I am glad for the opportunity.  And I am thankful for the angels on earth who are helping me through it.

*

Today is that day.

 *

I now know that the main entrance to the hospital closes at 8:00 p.m. and the only place to enter after that time is through the E.R.  I know where to park during the day and where to park in the evening.  I can find my way from the E.R. to the "south tower" after hours through hallways old and new.  I am starting to recognize E.R. staff as well as some of the nurses and aides on a couple of different floors.  I never wanted this knowledge.

My mom went from being a hospital patient to a hospice patient today.  It's tough to be the one making these decisions but my brain knows this is the right one.  My heart on the other hand .. feels the pain of being the one to say no to any more "treatment" and yes to meds and options that bring comfort and support.  No to trying to fix things and yes to things that ease the process and allow my mom the dignity she deserves.  It's hard not to second guess decisions as important as these.  But I think it's harder to see someone you love struggle and suffer only to give them more time - to struggle and suffer some more.

You really can't be wearing make-up while making these decisions either.  You can consider that advice if you'd like to.

*

*