Issues. We all haz 'em. RIGHT?

It's officially been one year since I started my new job. There have been consequences that were unexpected and probably unwarranted, that I need to work on.

Working at one place for 25 years, you develop a reputation as maybe a good worker, a friendly person, someone who is worthwhile - or not I suppose.  After that period of time the way people view you is not usually as shallowly as when they first meet you.  They know you for how you perform your job, how you treat people, and have long ago learned who you are and not just who you seem to be.

In my case, I went through many changes at that place of employment. I worked there when I went through my divorce, I lost 25 lbs and gained 35, lost 40 and gained 50 over the years.  I worked at night and during the day, worked with different groups of people in different positions.  Adjusted to at least 10 different bosses.  My hair was halfway down my back and blond streaked, all the way to about an inch long and red in color. People I was close to left the company and new people came.  My kids graduated from middle school and high school and went on to college.  My Mom passed away, my daughter got married and I bought a house.  Life moved along.

Leaving that job was like a divorce.  A traumatic one.  It was a place I thought I would retire from, having given it my best and being proud of how I had performed.  Instead, things went downhill and I used the analogy of being in an abusive relationship.  Whatever they did to me, no matter how many times, I would still stay and say "yes sir".

There were several breaking points where I wanted to jump but it wasn't until a new opportunity fell in my lap that I actually did.  Had to put on some really big - big girl panties to do it, but I did it. It felt GREAT!

But there were things I did not anticipate.

I forgot what it's like to make a first impression, and to do it from the standpoint of being 25 years older, much heavier than when I was the new person before, and being the only person in the whole company (it's small) without a college education.

Can you say insecurities?

I can't say that I have done anything in the last year to shine, to be worthy of notice, to be commended for.  I am doing my job but the fact that I don't already know everything by virtue of experience, and the fact that it's not as easy for me to learn new things - frustrates the hell out of me.

And then there is the guy with the fat comments.

See here.

At my old job I would have been like - kiss my a$$!  But at my new job, I am not confident enough in my position, in how I match up to my coworkers to have that attitude.  So I am having a little crisis of confidence right now and it makes me mad because that is not who I am.  Still - not feeling great about myself and you know what?

I NEED TO GET OVER IT!

Now I just need to figure out how.

Not another one!!

*
Yes, I have started another blog.  Don't ask me why cause I just don't know.  It's called "I Know, Right?" because I say that a lot.  I wanted a place to write a paragraph at a time, just random thoughts or things I've seen ... whatever.  It is in no way good reading yet.  2 posts and an about page.  That's it.  But I have linked to it above and I hope you'll check it out sometime. I didn't want it to be something someone would have to make a commitment to - to read.  It's Wordpress and boy is that a different animal from Blogger.  But to me, that means I have to figure it out.  Even if it takes me hours upon hours ...

I Know, Right?

And I wanted to make it pretty, even if the pretty has nothing to do with the content.  Which goes against all rules of blogging but I've never been good with authority anyway.
*

Hoping for a wonderful one!

My car crapped out on me this morning, fortunately it was only about 2 blocks from my house. I put my flashers on, made my S.O.S. call, and proceeded to mess with my cell phone so I didn't have to see the people looking at me as they drove past. Ugh.

It's probably just the alternator because it's a BRAND NEW BATTERY! But I digress. The reason I mention it is because even though I won't be getting it fixed until Friday, the car broke down today. During 2008. So I am NOT starting the new year with that kind of luck. I am kissing 2008 good bye with a whimper and a chug, chug bang.

Wishing you a wonderful new year!

~ * ~

Time marches on ...

I love me a good widget. Can’t seem to help myself, part of it is the hunt. I love to search for things. Whether I’m looking for pictures to use in my personal screensavers, tools or widgets for my blog or new desktop themes and icons, I am always on the prowl. Today, prompted by a comment on my last post, I went on the hunt again.

The comment led me to this person’s profile, which led me to think about being “middle aged.” Not in a bad way – the comment was positive and so is this lady’s blog. “Nice to meet you, finally another approaching middle aged woman admist all these young mommie (still love reading them) blogs.” Yes! I am! Middle aged I mean. Kind of.

When I was a kid people my age now - were OLD. Period. And I would hear people say how they just didn’t feel old, and I never quite understood. How could they not feel old when they so obviously were??

So yeah, at work sometimes my co-workers and I will look at each other and laugh, realizing we are discussing our aches and pains and doctor’s appointments instead of what we did over the weekend, but I do not feel anything like what I imagined I would at this age. I’m not quite ready for adult diapers yet. Well, maybe if I was forced to do jumping jacks with a full bladder, but otherwise, no.

Tonight I went for a walk with my daughter. We walked to a nearby park that has a walking (running?) path and started walking at a fast pace (for me) and talking. After circling maybe 4 times it started to rain. Thank.God. We headed home with her saying how she felt like she hardly had any exercise at all, and me? I was sweaty and winded and perfectly happy with our 20 minutes.

With age – comes perspective.

My new widget is counting down the days until my 50^th birthday. I know, right? How the heck did that happen? Where did the years go, how did the time fly by so quickly? Right now I am defiantly 40-freakin’-9 and next year – the big 5 – 0. Pretending to be something other than what I am seems counter productive; it only delays the inevitable realization that I am not 22 anymore. I have never lied about my age, even when a young guy at work looked at an old picture of me and said (in his youthful ignorance) “wow BJ, you were hot!”

He never saw that knee coming.

So my new widget is all about embracing who I am, where I am, and looking forward to the 2^nd half of my life. I invite you to count down the days with me and when you look at that widget I hope it reminds you that every day it counts down is one less day you have to find that totally perfect gift for my upcoming milestone birthday!