Nobody told me.

Okay, this yoga thing has a big drawback for me. They expect you to breathe. I know, outrageous, right??? The woman on the DVD weighs about 98 lbs, probably has a BMI of 2, and I think she is something disguised as a human being, but isn't one. She expects people to take a deep breath while folding themselves in half, tucking your chin to your chest and effectively cutting off any pathway to get said air into the proper breathing organs. Not to mention trying to smother you (well, me!) with your own boobs while you hang upside down! And then when you exhale all that air you didn't get into your lungs to begin with - she expects you to stretch (and or bend) MORE!!!

And I'm betting you have been asked at some time in your life to take a deep breath and hold it(!) for a count of - say - 5. That's not too shocking. But what about exhaling all the way, get all that air out of there, and hold THAT for oh - a count of 5. Is there anybody who doesn't sort of start to panic when you realize you're not supposed to even attempt to pull that air into your body when you have just pushed as much out as possible? Yikes!

Then of course I kept running into cats, sliding my leg behind me meOW! oops, sorry! Standing up - meeeOOWW!!! Gah! Sorry! And Norah thought it was great, she was right there on the floor with me thinking I was playing with her. Really sad when a cat is so bereft of proper cat entertainment they think a middle aged woman beached and wheezing on the carpet is fun!

Still, while I obviously wouldn't see any benefits from yoga only having done it 2 whole times, I can see if as part of a lifestyle change. I need to stop looking for inches and shape and weight, and keep making better food choices and do the yoga, or walking, or stepping (I ordered a compact stepper) and just live it, and things will change. I want it to happen NOW!!!! And whether or not either of my kids ever decide to spawn (as my daughter puts it) I still want to live as healthy a life as I can.

I am happy for women out there who are happy with their bodies, whatever shape they are in. More power TO them. But my joints hurt. I'm pre-diabetic. My blood pressure is high. And doggone it I used to feel pretty. I don't feel that way anymore. So - I need to keep moving. Healthier choices and exercise (gag) - if only I enjoyed any of those moving activities. Ick. But I will try. I need to live another day to post again.

* Oh, and everyone knows that the picture above is EXACTLY how I look when I am doing yoga. EXACTLY. (and I'm a little worried about you if you believe that!)

Wherein I begin to torture myself.

Did I mention I bought some yoga DVDs, under the influence of Ambien? Not just any yoga DVDs, yoga for old people DVDs. So I guess my intentions were good but my confidence was lagging. Seeing as housework gets me winded, I figured I needed to start slow, right? So old people's yoga seemed perfect. It couldn't be that hard, there are 3 consecutive disks, which get progressively harder. But still for old people. So how hard could THAT be???

Well there's this little matter of not being incredibly old, just fat. There were times when I was supposed to bring my knees up to my chest which crushed my boobs into my stomach into my knees - and all that crushing made it freaking hard to breathe!!! Okay, so I improvised. Still - I was getting a bit pissed off that the little old lady in the video (not the instructor) was doing way better than I was. She had little boobs.

When the torture was over I was left lying on the living room floor on my back still trying to do the slow deep breaths and relax every part of my body. If I had been the least bit prepared I would have had a pillow and blanket within reach because I was going to have a hard time getting back up! But - I did 50 minutes. And it didn't even feel like 50 minutes so lets see if I can give it a go again. My track history isn't that good, but I'll give it a try. Because God knows - I need to do SOMETHING!

And if I can master old people's yoga, maybe I can graduate to something more difficult before I actually AM eligible for a senior discount everywhere I go.