There is just nothing easy about it. Part III

That title is looking a bit pretentious to me, sorry. Part III. Oh well. For anybody using Firefox I'm sure you can see I got my way and the blog looks busier for you. Hope you can take my widgets! At the end of this post I will tell you how I fixed it. Now on to fixing me. :)

Unfortunately there never really is any fixing me. And that's okay. It's a matter of coping with a disorder and I'll be damned if anyone makes me feel ashamed about it. That's one reason I talk about depression. I have run into several people over the years who think someone who struggles with depression is literally just being a baby, they need to stop whining and move on. Honestly. I am never completely ready for that kind of response because to me it is so bizarre. People just don't like disorders of the 'mind', *creepy music plays*.

There was the day when I asked my husband "if you get rid of the girlfriend, can we go to counseling and at least see if there is anything left to save?" He replied - "What? You think she's the first?" At that point my world turned upside down. Not because I was crazy in love with him because by then I wasn't. It was because I had this plan in my head, the white picket fence, home, husband and kids plan, and this simply did not fit. Beyond that - I thought I knew him. All of a sudden this man I thought I knew better than anyone else in the world - was a stranger looking back at me. It sounds so trite but it was as if suddenly I was seeing him as a different person entirely separate from me and my life. Totally disconcerting and mind bending. For quite a while after that day you could have told me the sky was green and I might have questioned what I was seeing when I saw it to be blue. More than anything - more than crushing my 'plan', more than hurting me, my faith in myself was crushed. If I did not know this man, what did I know? Was anything what I thought it was? I could not trust my judgement anymore.

The day after that wonderful discourse with my husband, I made an appointment with a lawyer. Shortly after that - I made an appointment with a therapist. There was a little secret place inside me that was acknowledging that I probably needed to see a therapist anyway and this was as good a reason as any to start. I went for about 8 months and this Doc was wonderful. He reaffirmed the idea that I wasn't 'crazy' - that feeling disoriented in the midst of my own life was quite normal given the situation.

We started with my marriage, but slowly things turned more toward me and my IBS symptoms, my panic attacks, and finally - to my lack of happiness. For me - I couldn't even call it sadness most of the time. It was more - I lived my life at this flat line kind of place that was steady with no blips rising above the line, only dips where I would go below at times. Blips above the line would have been excitement and joy, all the things I did not feel. Dips below the line were anger, hopelessness and feelings of worthlessness. So either I was just at the line, or below it. I only recognized the bad feelings as self esteem issues which they were. But they were also symptoms of a low-level, chronic depression.

We did a lot of talk therapy, working on issues having to do with my Dad, the old - I married a man just like him while not staying with the original guy who simply treated me way better than I deserved. I thought. Eventually we came to a place where I was feeling healthier, not so disoriented and starting to understand why I did some of the things I did. I know I am being overly simplistic but I tend to dwell on the little details too much. The Doc and I also realized that I wasn't moving beyond a certain point and it was time to address the depression head on, as something chemical.

I don't know if I welcomed the idea of medication, I think it frightened me a bit. I asked how I would know if it was working - and if it wasn't the right one - what would it do to me? He told me that if it was the right one I would simply begin to feel better. If it wasn't the right med - it would just do nothing. The difficulty was that all anti-depressant medications have side effects, and it can take up to 6 months to judge the effectiveness of any one drug. Everyones chemical make up is different and what would work for me was an unknown at that point. And so began a medication merry-go-round that lasted for a very long time. There were times I didn't think I would ever find the right medication and doubted there was one for me. Thank God one thing I am - is stubborn.

*************************************

As promised - how I fixed my blog. I contacted a brilliant man named Stavanger at Blogcrowds, he is the one who originally helped me add my 3rd column. I posted my problem in the forum on his site and received an email that an answer had been posted. This is the answer I got:

change the 150px in .sidebar to 149px.

.sidebar {
width:149px;
float:left;
padding:6px 0;
margin:0;
word-wrap: break-word; /* fix for long text breaking sidebar float in IE */
overflow: hidden; /* fix for long non-text content breaking IE sidebar float */
}

So I went into edit HTML, found the spot he mentioned and changed ONE number. I changed 150 - to 149. Saved it, checked the blog using Firefox and it looked the way I wanted it to. I'm telling you - I know I don't much about code or what makes the Internet work. But when someone can look at my blog and figure out I need to change ONE number - I think they are a genius!! Stavanger is a genius and I am a happy girl. :)

Blogging makes me happy!

If you look on the right sidebar towards the bottom you will see "Modified by Blogcrowds". That is where I got the 3-column template, when I embarked on the HTML hell post. Since I did that - I have been posting on their forum with the bits and pieces I still needed to fix. Stavanger, the guy who the site belongs to - has answered all my posts and been most helpful! Tonight he gave me the code to fix the last problem I was having where the color on the right side wasn't reaching the edge - and it worked! I mean - I was able to exchange the old code for the new - and it worked! And believe me - I don't know anything about HTML!! So I wanted to say THANKS to Stavanger for being out there and being available for assistance with his templates - and for creating templates that give people the layouts and options they want for their blogs! If you have your own blog, you might want to check out his site for new templates and or help!

I realized today, that blogging makes me happy. Not because I'm touting my shop, selling my jewelry, not because it's a good online business decision - but because I love to write! I write like I breathe - it is effortless for me. I don't necessarily mean I write well like I breathe, just that I can write the way I speak and sometimes better. I enjoy it. So picture a little girl stepping onto a stage, onto a small raised platform all dressed in dance clothes and quivering with anticipation! There is a spotlight and it's ONLY on her - she is the STAR - no one else exists on her little platform. The light from the spotlight is in her eyes so while she believes there is an audience out there - she can't see them - so she imagines them all watching her dance and loving every bit of her performance. And in the end - it doesn't really matter if there is an audience to her, it is the performance that means the most.

Me, and my blog. :)

Also today, in Etsy forums, there was a thread posted about a guy named Mike who has his own website, kind of like Craigs list - and he is accepting free ad submissions. Woo hoo! I love that all the people (most) on Etsy are so encouraging and helpful to each other! Of course giving out Mike's website helps HIM too - I think he's just getting started - but we all need new places to get our names out there so I am happy to give his site a plug! It is called Tuningin.com - and I will put a link under "shops, sites, etc". Not only is the ad free - but you can load up to 5 very good quality and fairly large images along with your ad. For the life of me I can't locate the thread or I would mention the Etsian (sp?) who posted it! Good thing though, it all helps! Every place you can get your name, shop name - or even Etsy.com. Ads are good! Take a look at my ad! http://www.tuningin.com/?view=showad&adid=1337&cityid=16&lang=en
SWEET!
Loading these pictures on here that have nothing to do with anything is a total indulgence for me - but like I titled the flower pics - upper right - you can never have too much beauty. Enjoy!

Almost there!

I think I finally got this template as wide as I want it. Now I have an edge line going down the middle of the right side - it's the coloring at the edge of the template. If anybody knows how to adjust it and it's remedial - please let me know. If it's beyond remedial - I'll live with it!!

Took a couple pictures of Dani modeling her necklace today. She is so adorable! She doesn't remember but when she was little I used to tell her she was special and very very lucky. I told her she was really smart, smarter than most, she was lucky because as a bonus - she was pretty too - but most importantly - she had a great big heart and was a good person too! I tried to de-emphasize the pretty part - in the context of it being an important part of her makeup. I wanted her to know she WAS pretty - but that certainly wasn't the most important thing about her. I think she understands that better than a lot of people do. But then again, it's still true - she IS smarter than most! Straight A's her junior year of college. OMG I can't believe she's that old. On the other hand - Andy is 23 now, boy does that make me feel old!! He really shares very few details - but I will have to ask him what kind of grades HE just got! He's a good kid (kid?) though, I don't worry about his grades.

So I managed to make a necklace, 2 bracelets, and I think 3 pairs of earrings last night. I love this bracelet, I actually dreamed about those 3 green stones across the front. No lie. I know that's a bit weird but it's true. The stones on either side of the green jade - are lavender, I know the picture doesn't refect that really well. I just love the green with lavender and then with the yellow. Great stuff. Another one of those chunky stone bracelets I like. Don't know if anyone else likes them - no one has bought one yet!! :) I'm trying to be patient. See my fingers drumming on the table ... ! I'm waiting ... come and get it!!

Haven't visited the Etsy forums much the last couple of days - I've been obsessing about this blog and trying to make it cool. But I obsess too much and it takes me forever! I saw a comment by jessprkle from Unique Expressions - her Etsy shop - and I went to her blog and saw this WIST thing I liked. Rotating pics from other Etsy sellers - I could do my own stuff I suppose, but anyway - I wanted it. So I clicked on it from her site and went off into an exploration of WIST and how to make it work. I still don't understand it entirely, like how to make ALL the choices I picked show up in that sidebar, but other than that I'm happy with what I did. Just don't ask me to explain it because I don't think I can! I get in trouble when I start to explore because I find things I need to figure out.

Haven't figured out Html a whole bunch, but did figure out I could alter numbers and look at what I did - and change it back if I needed to. Messed with that a lot too. Don't understand it much, but messed with it enough to get most of what I want.

Now though, I need to get a bit of jewelry made while I still have some evening left. Gonna pick out a purty picture to close with, and then head to the bead room. Woo hoo!!

Don't remember where this picture is from but I was struck by the contrast between the blue and the yellow. Pretty. Pretty and tranquil.

HTML Hell!!

,So the results are in. I need to find someone who knows something about HTML to tweak my blog. I got the 3rd column but apparently people with smaller screens see it as rather squished. SO - I went in there and tried to adjust the width and padding and stuff I probably shouldn't touch, and I didn't help at all.

I'm thinking that on Monday I will ask one of the guys at work to look at it for me and see if he can make some minor adjustments to align things properly. Nobody wants to read a blog that's all over the place and unattractive. We'll see.

It's all rainy and ugly here in Illinois today, well, NW Illinois anyway. Wait, I live in the NE part of Illinois! I forget - because I live in the NW suburbs of Chicago so that's what sticks in my mind. What a dork. The pictures are the bowed heads of the peonies on the edge of my driveway, a bit dark but I took them at 8:00 o'clock at night.

I did manage to get one bracelet listed today, I think I will try to get a pair of earrings listed and then closet myself in my bead room and get something done. Looking forward to it actually. See what I can do. ..... After Flip This House is over. :)

Guess I'm not that smart. Monday? I'm not going to work on Monday! AND I have Tuesday off as well! How could I forget a 4 day weekend?

Right Now..

I just changed my template so I could have 3 columns. I tried to do it so I could save all my info that was in the left column I already had, but I don't know any HTML stuff so I finally decided that I was happy enough with the fact that I achieved 3 columns - to just add back the other stuff manually. So if you happen to pop in this evening and things are missing or look strange - I am probably working on it as we speak.
Hope you'll wait for me!