A crisis always brings out the best in everyone, right? I wish. Part of my mother's aging process has brought her to a place where she is teetering between being a teenager and an adult. She wants to make her own decisions (kind of) but wants people to do everything for her. She shifts between being dependent and being stubbornly independent, although independence is not possible for her anymore.
So what does a good mother do when confronted with her own inability to take care of her illness and herself? Oh and maybe can't face her own mortality? Why, she blames her kids of course! Namely my brother who has been doing chemo for damn near the whole two years she's lived with him, by the way. HIS fault. HE wants to throw her into a mental institution y'know.
Speaking with my brother tonight we were talking about the makeup of our family. He asked me if I remember ever crawling into my moms lap. Um.. no, I guess not. Did I remember hugs? Um.. no. Not really, I mean .. no. When it came to coldness I blamed my strict Germanic father for being undemonstrative and authoritarian and well - cold. But as hesitant as I was to admit it to my brother, I have been thinking about my mother and her emotional abilities shall we say, for a few years now. My dad was the one who was distant - but I always had my mom, didn't I? Did I really? Is it possible that the one person you always thought was emotionally available to you - wasn't? Is it possible I have seen her the way I wanted to all these years?
Admitting that both my parents were emotionally distant and okay - stunted - is pretty scary. What does that say about me? Was I good mom? Not as good as I would have liked to have been, because my kids grew up with me while I was not medicated for depression. But do they see me as someone who can give them emotional support? Someone who will hug them, kiss them, tell them I love them?
I know I shy away from touchy feely type people. But with my own family? I don't know. I know I can't change what I've done, but can I fix anything? Well, I won't figure it out tonight. I'm exhausted. And tomorrow I need to "stick my mother in a mental institution" dontcha know.
Have to rest up for that.