It's officially been one year since I started my new job. There have been consequences that were unexpected and probably unwarranted, that I need to work on.
Working at one place for 25 years, you develop a reputation as maybe a good worker, a friendly person, someone who is worthwhile - or not I suppose. After that period of time the way people view you is not usually as shallowly as when they first meet you. They know you for how you perform your job, how you treat people, and have long ago learned who you are and not just who you seem to be.
In my case, I went through many changes at that place of employment. I worked there when I went through my divorce, I lost 25 lbs and gained 35, lost 40 and gained 50 over the years. I worked at night and during the day, worked with different groups of people in different positions. Adjusted to at least 10 different bosses. My hair was halfway down my back and blond streaked, all the way to about an inch long and red in color. People I was close to left the company and new people came. My kids graduated from middle school and high school and went on to college. My Mom passed away, my daughter got married and I bought a house. Life moved along.
Leaving that job was like a divorce. A traumatic one. It was a place I thought I would retire from, having given it my best and being proud of how I had performed. Instead, things went downhill and I used the analogy of being in an abusive relationship. Whatever they did to me, no matter how many times, I would still stay and say "yes sir".
There were several breaking points where I wanted to jump but it wasn't until a new opportunity fell in my lap that I actually did. Had to put on some really big - big girl panties to do it, but I did it. It felt GREAT!
But there were things I did not anticipate.
I forgot what it's like to make a first impression, and to do it from the standpoint of being 25 years older, much heavier than when I was the new person before, and being the only person in the whole company (it's small) without a college education.
Can you say insecurities?
I can't say that I have done anything in the last year to shine, to be worthy of notice, to be commended for. I am doing my job but the fact that I don't already know everything by virtue of experience, and the fact that it's not as easy for me to learn new things - frustrates the hell out of me.
And then there is the guy with the fat comments.
See
here.
At my old job I would have been like - kiss my a$$! But at my new job, I am not confident enough in my position, in how I match up to my coworkers to have that attitude. So I am having a little crisis of confidence right now and it makes me mad because that is not who I am. Still - not feeling great about myself and you know what?
I NEED TO GET OVER IT!
Now I just need to figure out how.
I will almost always follow:
