What to do, what to do ..

My work life has always been pretty consistent in that, other people come and go, other people get new jobs and leave, other people retire, and I stay. I am not great with change, or I should say I am not great with it at first. I will adapt, but at first I will resist and have a tough time. Best thing to do in a situation where I am confronted with big changes is to keep my doggone mouth shut until I have some time to process. 

It's especially hard for me when other people leave, I get attached and clearly I have abandonment issues.

About 6 months ago 2 of my coworkers and I had to pass a certification exam for our job that was hella hard. We took the courses together, we studied together, we worked really hard on it - together. We each had 3 tries to take the exam which was proctored and everything. And it took 3 tries! That 3rd time I made sure I got enough sleep, scheduled the exam for early afternoon when my brain seems to work the best, ate a healthy meal heavy on protein first, just did everything I could think of to prepare.

One of my coworkers and I took the exam at the same time, same day. I passed. He did not, which meant he would be let go. This certification was required for our jobs.

I was devastated. A big part of it was because of how it was done, but another part was just - no - don't make him leave! We work well together, he is a friend. But he had to go.

Yesterday my boss (best boss ever) let us know she is leaving the company, and has accepted a position elsewhere. ARGH!! WHY????

Of course I get it. People have their own path to take and she came upon this opportunity which will be better for her work/life balance which is super important. I told her I am happy for her, I appreciate why she is doing it, and understand her desire to go. But boy oh boy am I on shaky ground right now. Things like this put me into panic mode for a while, fear of the unknown, stuff like that. 

I will adjust. I will get there. But right now - I'm all - NOOOOOOOO!!!! 

Issues. We all haz 'em. RIGHT?

It's officially been one year since I started my new job. There have been consequences that were unexpected and probably unwarranted, that I need to work on.

Working at one place for 25 years, you develop a reputation as maybe a good worker, a friendly person, someone who is worthwhile - or not I suppose.  After that period of time the way people view you is not usually as shallowly as when they first meet you.  They know you for how you perform your job, how you treat people, and have long ago learned who you are and not just who you seem to be.

In my case, I went through many changes at that place of employment. I worked there when I went through my divorce, I lost 25 lbs and gained 35, lost 40 and gained 50 over the years.  I worked at night and during the day, worked with different groups of people in different positions.  Adjusted to at least 10 different bosses.  My hair was halfway down my back and blond streaked, all the way to about an inch long and red in color. People I was close to left the company and new people came.  My kids graduated from middle school and high school and went on to college.  My Mom passed away, my daughter got married and I bought a house.  Life moved along.

Leaving that job was like a divorce.  A traumatic one.  It was a place I thought I would retire from, having given it my best and being proud of how I had performed.  Instead, things went downhill and I used the analogy of being in an abusive relationship.  Whatever they did to me, no matter how many times, I would still stay and say "yes sir".

There were several breaking points where I wanted to jump but it wasn't until a new opportunity fell in my lap that I actually did.  Had to put on some really big - big girl panties to do it, but I did it. It felt GREAT!

But there were things I did not anticipate.

I forgot what it's like to make a first impression, and to do it from the standpoint of being 25 years older, much heavier than when I was the new person before, and being the only person in the whole company (it's small) without a college education.

Can you say insecurities?

I can't say that I have done anything in the last year to shine, to be worthy of notice, to be commended for.  I am doing my job but the fact that I don't already know everything by virtue of experience, and the fact that it's not as easy for me to learn new things - frustrates the hell out of me.

And then there is the guy with the fat comments.

See here.

At my old job I would have been like - kiss my a$$!  But at my new job, I am not confident enough in my position, in how I match up to my coworkers to have that attitude.  So I am having a little crisis of confidence right now and it makes me mad because that is not who I am.  Still - not feeling great about myself and you know what?

I NEED TO GET OVER IT!

Now I just need to figure out how.

It won't make ME rich. .

I have a suggestion for guys like my ex-boyfriend, who know A LOT about cars and can look passively aggressive while being polite. I would make the suggestion myself but my ex doesn't really talk to me, something about a faucet, and I won't see him, something about hearing him say "whoa! Have another sandwich!" Yeah.

But here's the deal. I brought my car to a small local place to get an estimate on getting my exhaust worked on. I have exhaust coming out where there is no pipe and the rattle rattle rattle boom boom boom (slight exaggeration) doesn't help either. So I got my estimate, the mechanic said he would check on availability of parts and call me. In the meantime I got on the Internet and went to some 'ask an expert' type sites to find out if my estimate was reasonable. And happily enough, it was! This mechanic was recommended by a hair dresser so you KNOW he had to be okay. But the last time I had my car worked on (at a different place) I felt so ripped off, like I got talked into things I didn't need, that I knew I had to take a different tack this time. Since this was, for lack of a better description, elective and not emergency surgery, I could take a bit more time deciding.

So the job thing. I think I would pay a guy to come with me when I get an estimate on car work, to be there and ask smart questions and steer things in the direction they need to go and not toward things I probably don't need. A car-guy backbone. Sort of. He could either take the car in for you and then call you with the estimate - or just go with you and act like the husband or boyfriend who isn't going to take any crap cause he speaks car just as well as those mechanics talk car. Like that.

A customer/mechanic liaison. So-to-speak. Being single and not always having the available male who knows about cars around, I would like the option to take someone with me. Even some of you married women might want to take advantage of a service like that if your husband is a different kinda guy than a car guy and you would like some support. And it wouldn't hurt if the guy looked a tiny bit scary, the little bit of implied danger could really work with some stubborn mechanics with their heart set on getting the nice lady to buy 4 new tires when she only needs two, or to have that alignment she doesn't want.

What do you think? I think there are guys out there who should start printing up business cards right now, I think there is a market for this. Would you use it?