Duh!

*

It was 12:30 a.m. and I was leaving the hospital.  I stopped at the light, and was about to turn right on red because traffic was clear.  I saw a young guy - vaguely realized that he had  approached the car in front of me that made it through before the light turned red but really, I was too tired to give it any thought.  As I started to roll forward to begin my turn I looked to the side and there he was, about 5 yards from my car and when we made eye contact he came towards me.  I wasn't afraid although I suppose I should have been.  The kid was skinny as all get out, and seemed a bit frantic and odd to me.  I rolled down my window and he called out as he came closer "do you have a lighter I can see?"  Then I saw the cigarette in his hand.  Unlit cigarette.

He saw me push in my car cigarette lighter, something I haven't done in years and I saw relief flood his face.  He told me he was leaving the hospital, he lived up the road in the opposite direction I was going.  Said "I must have waved down 30 cars, no one would give me a light!"  I held out the lighter and he leaned closer, cupped his hands around the lighter and lit his cigarette.  "Thanks, I mean, I swear - must have been like 30 cars!  God bless you!"  And he turned and walked away.

As I drove away I was oddly pleased that I had chosen to trust somebody and hadn't had to pay for that choice in a bad way.  Okay, I WAS/AM sleep deprived and I suspect my judgment was a tad "off".  (ya think??)   And then I realized - I have been spending my time and  emotional energy  at the hospital since before noon yesterday, watching my mother struggle and fight for every breath because she smoked for 50 years.  And I was lighting a young guy's cigarette right outside that same hospital. 

It's amazing that I can still have that disconnect between the act and the consequences given what I have witnessed with my mom.  Seriously??  I totally enjoyed it when I did it.  But I am incredibly grateful to have been able to stop.

*

Dream a little dream ..

So Sunday I woke up with a headache and the remnants of a dream chasing around in my head. I went to see Amanda, she was picking me up at the airport with her husband because you know, we're tight.


I was lost for a while on wet dark streets and then at a park where the sun was shining and there was ice cream, and then back to Amanda's house where I was smoking cigarettes inside without asking, and I don't even smoke!


Jennifer Aniston came walking up and looked at me like she thought she knew me, so I assured her we had only run into each other once or twice at parties, but we didn't know each other. As if!


She must have been Amanda's friend.


At some point I was sad because Amanda's beautiful girls were nowhere to be found, and Sean (Amanda's husband) gave me a HUGE photo album to look through while Amanda pointed out some little carved words she mounted by the door bell. I have no idea what they said but I got the idea they were a little naughty. I was thinking I shouldn't drink so much, maybe that's why I have a headache, incorporating my real headache into the dream.


I know there were all kinds of details of some pretty dresses and the small brick ranch with a full view storm door that looks nothing like Amanda's house. Dinner, snacking, talking, drinking. All in bits and pieces here and there. Weird.


When it was time to leave I drove myself and I had to stop at a doctor's appointment but they got my appointment wrong and tried to teach me how to train a dog as opposed to whatever screening exam I thought I was having.


I don't usually remember my dreams but this one was in the morning just before I got up and I was thinking about it as I woke up. What was Jennifer Aniston doing there? Was she supposed to see me and then absolutely dismiss me? Oh well. I don't think my feelings were hurt. In any event, I forgive her, and I thank Amanda and Sean for their hospitality. It was a very nice visit.


I think. Dreams being what they are, you can never be sure.