Friday Felt Worse Than a Bad Monday!

So. Friday. We all look forward to Friday, right? I'm no different. But Friday last, was a no good, bad, very bad day. SO BAD. I mean .. I had what I would consider something of a meltdown in the middle of my work day which is something that hasn't happened in a very long time. It had been building up and totally crashed in on me, on Friday. My heart was racing, my adrenaline was flowing and if I could have, I would have shut down my computer and run away. As fast and as far as I could have. 

After a while I began to feel a bit better after unloading all my panic onto a sympathetic coworker, but it didn't make the actual issue go away. I may have just pushed it out further.

By the end of the day I was beat, just so tired, demoralized, and my confidence was at an all-time low. So what did I do? Exactly what people who tend to be emotional eaters do. I planned what I wanted to drown my sorrows in for dinner.

NOT my pizza

My choice was Chicago style, deep dish pepperoni pizza with cheese for days. I almost added chocolate, chocolate chip Haagen-Dazs to the menu but decided that would be overkill.

I should have added it.

Because what happened when I got my hands on that yummy, heavy, gooey, cheesy, pizza? It was burnt. A little bit on top, not enough to give it away at first, but when I cut into it - yeah, the bottom. It was burnt. I mean .. what ELSE???

I am at my desk now (on a Sunday night!), hoping to finish some things I needed to finish last week. I watched my granddaughter today and we made brownies which I shouldn't have eaten. But almost had a panic attack today thinking about the moment I needed to sit down and continue working, so thought I preemptively earned the brownie(s). 

That remains to be seen. Wish me luck you nonexistent readers. 

.. and on it goes

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Early in the week I noticed that suddenly I was not getting the upper channels on cable.  Kind of threw me for a loop because those are pretty much the only ones I watch!  Come to find out I had ignored emails from the cable company telling me that if I did not have "the box" and was just plugging cable directly into my TV, I would need to get some kind of converter to continue to get the top cable channels.  UGH.  So I ordered some converters and commenced to feeling unsettled as I tried to find other things to watch in the meantime.

Coming home from work on Friday after the end of a really crappy week, my brakes decided they weren't just bad, they were worse than bad and started squealing in protest.  Wonderful.  

After I got home and collapsed on the couch that day I discovered, oh joy, my TV was dead.  Simply died during the day while I was at work. 

 And to finish that day my full figured kitty Norah was sitting on the other end of the couch and when I looked down at her she had a tuft of fur sticking out of her mouth.  I told her NO! but she simply reached around and pulled another tuft out of the center of her back.  She's been doing this lately but now she has almost gotten a bald spot.  She's always been a nervous cat, very skittish and now I guess she has turned the corner into full blown neurosis.  I sat on her and wrangled a "calming collar" on her, that had been waiting in the wings to go on Abby next month but Norah seemed to need it more.  Next I have to look for the rescue water drops that I bought and immediately misplaced so I can calm all the doggone cats!

And me?  I just might be looking at downing some calming wine.  Or something.  Damn I wish cigarettes didn't kill people.  Cause I would give my right arm to start smoking again.  I think I deserve it.  Deserve the wine, not the cigarettes.  I won't smoke.  But I will whine.  This is me whining.  Argh-h-h-h!   

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Another day another poop in my shoe.

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Adorable, right?

I've had a headache all day, and upon walking in the door from work what do I find?  Cat puke in the exact same spot I have been working on to getting the stain out from the 4362 OTHER times it has been puked on, and if that wasn't bad enough?  As I side-stepped the puke to go into my bedroom so I could at least change my clothes before I cleaned it up, what gift was waiting for me in there?  Yep.  Riley pooped in my new slippers.  My cute sheepie slippers.  


So, I was mad, right?  Get away from me Riley, you think I'm feeding you right this minute?  You've got another thing coming.  I turned on my computer and started to read my email.  


Apparently not a good idea.


Today was not the day to read an email from a family member who shall not be named - ever - forwarded to me.  Apparently she ..er .. he/she is not happy with the speed in which my mother's estate is being settled.  Estate, that's funny!  


Well .. let's just say my email in response was basically about how we might be genetically related but that's about all I'll ever admit to and how I thought it might be a good time for him/her to eff off and never contact me again.  


The sad thing is, I meant it.


To work off some anger and aggravate my headache (I didn't say I make the smartest decisions) I decided to go for a walk.  Wow!  Something positive, not self destructive or cruel to small animals but uh .. did I mention it's only 29 degrees here?????  


Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better ..

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Duh!

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It was 12:30 a.m. and I was leaving the hospital.  I stopped at the light, and was about to turn right on red because traffic was clear.  I saw a young guy - vaguely realized that he had  approached the car in front of me that made it through before the light turned red but really, I was too tired to give it any thought.  As I started to roll forward to begin my turn I looked to the side and there he was, about 5 yards from my car and when we made eye contact he came towards me.  I wasn't afraid although I suppose I should have been.  The kid was skinny as all get out, and seemed a bit frantic and odd to me.  I rolled down my window and he called out as he came closer "do you have a lighter I can see?"  Then I saw the cigarette in his hand.  Unlit cigarette.

He saw me push in my car cigarette lighter, something I haven't done in years and I saw relief flood his face.  He told me he was leaving the hospital, he lived up the road in the opposite direction I was going.  Said "I must have waved down 30 cars, no one would give me a light!"  I held out the lighter and he leaned closer, cupped his hands around the lighter and lit his cigarette.  "Thanks, I mean, I swear - must have been like 30 cars!  God bless you!"  And he turned and walked away.

As I drove away I was oddly pleased that I had chosen to trust somebody and hadn't had to pay for that choice in a bad way.  Okay, I WAS/AM sleep deprived and I suspect my judgment was a tad "off".  (ya think??)   And then I realized - I have been spending my time and  emotional energy  at the hospital since before noon yesterday, watching my mother struggle and fight for every breath because she smoked for 50 years.  And I was lighting a young guy's cigarette right outside that same hospital. 

It's amazing that I can still have that disconnect between the act and the consequences given what I have witnessed with my mom.  Seriously??  I totally enjoyed it when I did it.  But I am incredibly grateful to have been able to stop.

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Ever have one of those days . . .

Crap day at work. One of those days when you are crazy busy but at the end of it feel like you've been running in place all day and haven't moved forward at all. Toward the end of the day a co-worker came to visit my little cubby/office/room to tell me he had just resigned. Circumstances beyond his control forced his hand, and he is leaving. Forces having nothing to do with work. Suffice it to say he does not want to leave but his personal life requires him to right now.

ANYWAY! Can't I ever use just a couple of words? No. I should be used to my wordiness by now. So he came to tell me he was leaving and it made me very sad. Not only is he leaving, but tomorrow is his last day!

Have you ever had a new person start in your office, who you just knew was not going to fit in? And conversely, someone new who seemed to fill a gap you didn't know you had and just "got you" right from the get-go? Yeah, that's him. The 2nd one. A twinkle in his eye and fancy square toed shoes, a Latin dancer with a heart of gold. I will miss him bunches.

As I was talking to this guy/co-worker/friend - my brother called and left a message on my phone. My brother lives in New Jersey, and my mom lives with him. He is actually ill himself, but my mother wanted to live with "a man in the house" because you know, if the hot water heater goes out, he will know what to do. I didn't say it made sense.

He told me that mom has been falling down on a daily basis and she is starting to hurt herself. It's getting to the point that when he leaves for work he worries about what he will find when he gets home. It is time to discuss our next step. Brother #1 told me that brother #2 is visiting him and Mom right now, and apparently does not want to talk about "the next step. He says "oh but she'll be sad, she'll get depressed . . " and is coming up with all kinds of reasons not to even think about her living anywhere but where she is now. Considering HE lives in the northwest - all the freaking way across the country - it's easy for him to sit in his home thinking (hoping, wishing) that my mom is just fine alone all day when in reality she is probably going bing! bing! BING! And ricocheting around brother #1's house all day like it's a pinball machine. I'm not angry with him, and I'm not saying out of sight out of mind. It's just - if you don't want to face something - it's easier to do long distance.

We would all love to sit back and just imagine our mother is the same woman she always was. Well she's not. Time to grow up for all of us. Believe me, I would love to think my mom was aging gracefully and will be able to take care of herself until the day she dies. But it's not happening that way and we all have to put our big kid panties on and deal with it. It's irresponsible to ignore the fact that she may fall down, hurt herself, and could possibly have to lay in the same spot for hours until my brother gets home from work. Something she fears a lot, something happening and no one being there to help. She has her button - she can push it and get help fairly quickly, but it's simply getting to the point where she needs more than a button. We. Have. To. Address. It. Not a single one of us can stay home all day and take care of her. And not a single one of us is married (anymore) either. Hmmm, can you say dysfunctional?

So - I had to stop and pick up a prescription on my way home, and who can blame me for picking up some donut holes? Um. . . and a BabyRuth. That's it, I swear. But I AM going for a walk tonight. I'm an emotional eater, my weight is doomed.

IS.IT.FRIDAY.YET? PLEASE?

*

No, no appliance problems at our house. But I really could use this week to be over. Just sayin'.
*

So? I've had a bad day.

How come when you're feeling bad, maybe even feeling a little sorry for yourself and just when you decide to go with it, feel crappy, get through it and move on - there's always someone who is there to remind you. "Well it could always be worse." Yup, I could be dying, I could have no feet, I could a lot of things. But this is MY bad day and MY feelings and don't make me feel guilty - I already feel bad enough!

I DID lose a little bit of weight. But it's only a little and not nearly as much as I would think considering the fact that all the food I have been eating has been healthy! E-e-e-e-w!! Sorry but I'm a big fan of preservatives. The longer shelf life it has - the more of a guilty pleasure it is likely to be. I don't really mean that - but it sounded good. :)

When I got home from work after being in a funk there, I had to fight the urge to go to McDonald's. Now mind you, I don't even LIKE McDonald's that much! But I got the idea of a Quarter Pounder meal with a Coke in my head and it just wouldn't go away. I had to stop and ask myself, why am I doing this to myself? I have been force-feeding myself all this fruit and yogurt and low fat reconstituted healthy -ahem- food - working hard - and the day I weigh myself and discover I have actually lost a little bit of weight - I want to sabotage myself. Hmmm. What the hell is wrong with me?

I had to sit and think about it for a while. Do I want to fail? Am I hiding behind weight? I'm fat so I can't .... what??? I don't know. If you're thinking I'm going to end this with some profound insight you will be sorely disappointed. I just don't know. Obviously I am not eating just because I'm hungry. So why when it should be good news, do I try to make it bad?

Work was a drag although I must admit seeing Joan's face light up like a little kid when she saw me was a treat - she came over saying - "I miss you so much when you're not here!" It's nice to be greeted that way. Nothing horrible or momentous happened, I think I was reminded about how much I used to love my job. For about 16 years I truly loved my job. I was busy - sometimes crazy busy but at the end of the day I felt good. It was a "good kind of tired" to quote David Letterman. When everything else in my life had gone down the crapper for a while there - I could always go to work and feel good about myself because I loved the people I worked with and I was good at my job. I cannot tell you how many times a day I would answer that phone and hear relief in the voice on the other end and "Oh I am SO glad I got you!!" Because there were clients out there who thought I was the only person who could help them with their problem. I called it 'instant attaboys'. How many people get bunches of those in a day?

But about 4 years ago things started to change. As the company has gotten bigger, it has become less personal and very much about the bottom line. It's sad. The calls I used to take got sent to a regional help desk and we were asked to help those 'co-workers' and give them as much assistance as possible. Basically train the people who were taking our jobs. And we did it too - we never blamed the help desk people themselves, they were just doing their (our) jobs. It's the company. Slowly things are being taken away from us and we are feeling quite under-valued - as well as downright DE-valued.

I've never understood the American corporation - isn't a happy employee a better worker? Isn't an employee who feels empowered and trusted and valued going to give everything they possibly can to their job? Instead as things have changed we were actually told (by a supervisor who is no longer our supervisor) that we should just be grateful we have jobs. We ARE grateful. But we would also like to maintain our self respect and know that - in my case - my 20 years of experience means something.

Losing a huge contract at the end of last year prompted layoffs all over the country, my business unit as well. We all walk on eggshells because we are just waiting for the axe to fall, our time is coming. Thank God if it does happen I will be eligible for about 6 months of severance. It may not happen soon, but we just don't know so we are all uncomfortable all of the time. Working in a climate of fear every day is not a good feeling. Add to that a new bosses boss who is a micro-manager and you have some very unhappy people.

The other funkified place in my brain is that spot that thinks about where I live. I rent a house. I cannot afford to buy one and most likely never will. I had a house once, my ex bought it for me basically as a good bye gift when he knew he had fallen in love with his girlfriend. I know. Not a nice thought but at the time - I didn't know there was a girlfriend. We got a huge mortgage and I trusted him implicitly - he always handled the money. When we headed for divorce and he promised my child support and maintenance would cover the mortgage, I believed him.

When I was a little girl we never talked about careers in my house. Matter of fact I don't think we talked about the future -about what any of us wanted to do when we grew up. I never planned for anything other than being a wife and mother with a husband, a home, and children to raise. I think I always assumed I would have to work outside the home some, but never thought about getting an education or having any direction other than having the whole white picket fence ideal.

When I finally got my house - oh it was beautiful. To me anyway. I loved it. Nice neighborhood, great school just down the street, the kids could run right outside and play. I could hang things on the walls and they were MY walls - nobody could tell me I couldn't paint or hang pictures or change the tile in the bathroom. It was mine. I was in serious denial about my marriage at that point because I was terrified of being alone with 2 kids to support. It was easier to just not let my mind comprehend what was really happening.

When I got divorced and the ex was out of work a few times and couldn't pay me, I used my credit cards to keep the cash for the mortgage. I got in real trouble that way and I was so naive about money I did everything wrong. The first thing I should have done was to sell that house and buy something smaller with a more manageable mortgage, but I was romantic about it all. It was my house. My first house. My notion of a home was always - where you raise your kids and live forever - so your kids can bring their kids to visit and tell them - "this used to be my room." You didn't just sell your home or move your kids because of a divorce! Well, I really needed to.

After a few years of juggling I had to sell the house or the bank was going to take it. Horrible. I have heard it said that if you show a willingness to pay - and you call your mortgage company they will work with you. Not mine! I was on the phone with them in tears more than once - and they would not budge. Make your entire payment on this date, nothing else is acceptable.

Moving out of that house was the end of that picket fence dream for me. Not only was I broke but I was in the hole - BIG - and with what I earned and rent and everything it was always check to check, no savings. I think I mourned the death of that dream more than I mourned my actual divorce because by then I wasn't in love with the man I married anymore. And once the dream was dead - then what? It was all I ever planned for.

So after renting and moving and renting some more - I can usually deal with the idea that I will always live somewhere where someone else can tell me how many pets I can have. I am very aware of the fact that I am where I am because of a series of bad decisions on my part. As much as I would like to blame someone else, I can't. A few days ago my daughter (who works for a realtor when she is home from school) said "you know Mom, with the market so bad right now - I know an agent would work with you to help you get a house." She meant well, and I did not snap at her or anything but I did tell her that with about $1600.00 dollars in the bank - no - $300.00 after the landlord cashes her check - I wasn't in the market for a house, no matter what the market was doing - it wasn't my market.

So there I was a couple of days ago going for a walk for exercise doncha know. And when I am walking down the residential streets of my neighborhood with the mixture of older brick homes, bungalows, and big new Victorians - I can only walk and look and think and ask - how do all these people do it? I know the answer. It's the 2 income thing which I haven't had for a good long while. So I suck it up and most times deal with it. My path is my path for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is. I remind myself of the good things - and there are many - and I'm okay.

It's just sometimes when a series of things happen all at once and I start to feel bad - I just plain feel bad. I will get better, probably even by tomorrow. Things will be seen in a different light. But today, tonight, things just kinda suck. I will get my Nutrisystem breakfast and lunch ready for tomorrow, get my tea ready for the morning. I need to remember to give Riley (the old boy kitty) his medicine. Then I will go outside and walk when it is dark and nobody can see me mooning at their houses and wishing they were mine and that the dream never died.

On the other hand, if the dream really never died, would that mean I would still have to be married to my ex-husband? Cause I'm sorry. That would be a deal breaker!

Geez. Even I have my limits.