It's not to be

I have been reading all the posts about the Blogher conference in Chicago last weekend. I live in the suburbs of Chicago bit still would not have even considered going, I am wa-a-a-y-y too new to blogging. I am still feeling my way around and getting to know people and finding other blogs I like to read. But it has been especially enjoyable to read the posts about this year's conference.

I have been delighted to read about all the girl crushes out there, one blogger for another, based on the relationships they share online and admiration for the skills of others. Or maybe they just want to steal someone else's life, I don't know. So much humor - my gosh I think I have laughed out loud at most of the posts - especially the near universal "privacy to poop" issues several ladies talked about. *giggle* Who designs a hotel with beautiful bathrooms with louvered doors and shutters that open into bedrooms!!?!? What kind of a bad idea was that?! Everybody knows guys wouldn't care, but women? Especially women who don't know each other very well but want to impress all their girl/blog/crushes? Puh-lease!

I will admit to some envy though, I really haven't had many close relationships with women for many years, which is a story unto itself. The friendships built online between some of these ladies sounds amazing and omg so much fun!

Alas, I guess it isn't meant to be for me though. I registered at Blogher. I did. But I can't get in to save my life. I have 18 different usernames and passwords at work alone, not to mention the 104 (approximately) I have here at home - I thought well - I forgot my username. Or maybe it's my password. Maybe it's both! Hey - I'm only an I.T. employee! I requested a new password. Twice. I got a link back - twice, which I think confirms that Blogher recognizes me as existing! Yay! But I still could not get in. :(

I typed a poor-me missive to the powers that be - or the powers that I think - be - but have not heard back. I'm thinking they are looking at it saying omg can you believe her? Should we let her back in? Should we put her through a hazing first - some kind of initiation like forcing her to blog about her most embarrassing moments - and then reading it out loud to all her co-workers??? *snort! guffaw!!* Or maybe poop in a bathroom with shutters open to a roomful of fellow bloggers? No, that would be punishment for them!

Okay ladies - I'm ready, give me my assignment. I am just warning you now though, that if you make me drink alcohol before I blog - I tend to be a real lightweight and have been known to drunk-email and *gasp!* NOT use spellcheck! For real! So give me your best shot! I'm waiting!!

I think.

I was talking to my daughter today about blogging. She is an English major and is a senior in college right now. She is a wonderful writer, and can consider herself a "writer" in the true sense of the word, unlike me. She is smart and witty and can be very opinionated. She always has something to say, certainly always has something going on in her head.

I mentioned to her that she should blog, if for no other reason than to use her skills somewhere other than school, or because it can be an incredible networking tool. She didn't seem too thrilled with the idea of creating her own blog but did say maybe she could do a guest post on mine. What a wonderful idea! But she wants me to give her a topic. That's where I draw a blank.

Dani is very mature and always has been. She is young and playful but she is very thoughtful and thinks things through with a logic which can be intimidating sometimes. She is incredibly sensitive and I would say more empathetic than your average 21 year old. I taught her not to grow up too fast, to enjoy her childhood and not hurry to adulthood like I did. For me everything was about when, when I move out of the house, when I get married, when I have kids. While Dani is planning for her future in the way of a career and forming the values she will live her life by, she enjoys now. She took one of my lessons to heart.

She is simply a good kid. Level headed and sweet and caring. So much ahead of the game than I was at her age, and I feel for the parents who have kids who give them trouble with driving, drinking, boyfriends/girlfriends and what-have-you. My children are not perfect but I can honestly say they have not given me trouble beyond not doing household chores when asked or being lackadaisical about grades from time to time. I'm happy to say the grades are very good now, grammar and sentence structure and all of the things I find so difficult with the English language come easily to both of my kids. Go figure.

I could suggest she write about ridiculous things Mom has said or done, which I am sure she has several examples of. Hmmmm. She's a vegetarian, a feminist and a lover of Harry Potter and Brussels sprouts. Not necessarily together. She likes roller blading and riding her bike, playing four square and camping. She has many, many interests and is always open to new ideas. In some ways she is so very like me, in a much improved kind of way, but in more ways - she is not.

She is Dani. She is my daughter. I know she must have ideas. She should write here at least once, don't you think?

I think.

Addicted for sure

Addicted to blogs. I admit it. I love to read blogs. I told myself that I was going to put a limit on myself, that I would check my regular blogs once (okay maybe twice) a day and maybe take a peek at a few I don't have links to but are in my favorites. So I looked through the list this morning. Not a whole lot of new posts, so when I looked again late morning I told myself the earlier check hadn't counted because I hadn't found new posts. (rationalizing)

Early afternoon when I checked again I justified it by saying to myself that I did not want to miss any new posts from my favorite bloggers - a lot could happen in a couple of hours!

Couldn't it?

Early this evening when I clicked through my list again I told myself it would be the last time today, yes it would, the last time. But it bothered me that one or two of the bloggers I admire hadn't posted in a couple of days and I was just waiting for them to post again!

By 8:30 this evening I was looking again, if somewhat furtively, I wouldn't have been surprised to have found my palms sweating as I satisfied this urge that I was helpless against. I. have. to. know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does anyone know of a program, a self help group, anonymous meetings, a sponsor perhaps? Is this normal in any sense of the word?

I'll just tell myself it is - yeah, everybody does this, everybody likes reading about other people's lives, hanging on every word, relishing every well turned phrase, and delighting in every humorous passage! They do!

They don't? Do I need help?
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I'm posting some pics of earrings here, this is a style I like to wear as a casual every day type earring, I have made them with many different stones and in many different colors. Please, have a look!

Love it!

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WOO HOO!! What better than a contest where you don't even have to exhibit any kind of talent what-so-ever, you just have to sign up! They got me - I'm there!

They are giving away an Insignia® 37″ Flat-Panel LCD HDTV!!! This incredible prize is valued at $799.99 and is courtesy of Best Buy.

So - since I have never won anything - and if I have I don't remember it - I have my fingers crossed. Wouldn't it be awesome!??

Wait. Before somebody rats me out - I recently won a post-it dispenser for my desk at work. Lovely green heavy thing with our company logo on it - I felt like I was voted homecoming queen! So - if I win this TV it would be my 2nd big win in a year. Maybe I don't deserve it though, after winning my post-it holder. I mean - it IS a major desk accessory. :(
I hope they don't count it against me.

Getting back to basics

Realized today - okay - maybe I've been thinking about it for a few days - anyway - I have been paying a lot more attention to my blog, reading blogs, and generally goofing off online than I have been to making jewelry or the bane of my existance - cleaning my house.

I always have these designs in my head for fabulous pieces too - so I really need to get back to it. My work space is pretty cramped so there isn't much ambiance in that room, but there is a TV and there are beads. Lots and lots of beads. I am obsessed with beads. I need to start using them more!

These earrings are the first I have made using my handmade earwires, the tutorial for making them came from Tamara at McFarland Designs. How nice of her to share! And they were super simple to make! My ability isn't perfect yet, but I am continuing to improve.

This bracelet is something I love, although I think I am moving away from the chunkier beads right now, it's a style I will always be attached to. This bracelet has some beautiful natural agate beads, faceted, a couple of citrine crystal beads but what I really love is the natural fire opal in the center. Such a deep golden color it almost seems to be liquid inside.

I am feeling the need to try some newer techniques, try my hand at some different styles, although I am pretty sure I will never completely leave the chunky focal beads I like to use in necklaces and bracelets. There is room for different types of jewelry in my shop so as I continue to grow and improve - my shop will certainly reflect that.

I do know I need to pay more attention to my shop, I haven't been promoting much (anywhere) lately and you don't sell if you sit on your butt and expect people to come to you.

But oh how I love reading blogs!

.... long time since I posted a pretty picture - I believe this is Ireland.

What good are they?

I smoked cigarettes for many years, quit about 6 or 7 years ago. One of the side effects left over from smoking, is that my sense of smell isn't as great as it could be. I mean - I can tell if I smell bad - at least I hope - and I can smell rain and flowers and onions - all the normal things. But I cannot locate cat pee with my nose to save my life. It's not a skill that's in great demand from what I understand. But it sure would come in handy around here from time to time!

My cats are generally well behaved little buggers, each with his/her own quirks and habits and personalities but they all generally eat what I feed them and relieve themselves where they are supposed to. They come and pay me my due as the alpha female in the house, lay at my feet and purr appropriately when I pet them. One of them is evil and bites but it's not completely her fault because she was abandoned and not socialized and is probably possessed by the ghost of Lizzie Borden. For the most part they are perfect pets. Except for the fact that I should pass out lint rollers at the door - I love having cats.

So I've been walking around the house asking my daughter "I smell cat pee, do you? Can you kind of go around the house and sniff and see if you can tell if there is cat pee somewhere it shouldn't be?" That would be anywhere outside the litter box for those of you not familiar with the care and feeding of said animals. I could smell it - I could not tell where it was coming from. There's nothing worse than walking into someone's house and smelling animal smells! Dani kept saying "I don't smell it. I don't smell anything." So I trusted her 21 year old non-smoke affected nose and just figured I was out of my mind like usual.

Last night she finally smelled it. It wasn't behind the antique chest the TV sits on in the living room. Not coming from an empty never looked in corner of the bead room. It wasn't coming from any place I had been thinking of or imagined. It was coming from a pile of clothes under the chair which was under the desk in my daughter's bedroom!!!!!!! She was almost immune to it because she had been sleeping in the same room with it! Nothing like washing clothes and picking up pee saturated pieces of paper and the random sheet of pee soaked bounce right before bed!

So next time you doubt your over 40 nose or ears or eyes and subsequently try to rely on one of those younger humans who lord their smooth skin and perfect vision over you - don't!! They may have good memories and maybe they have enough energy for 10 of you.

But they can't smell cat pee worth a damn!!!!!!!

There is just nothing easy about it. Part IV

It's a bit bewildering and can be very frustrating trying to find the right medication for depression. First you have to stop denying something is wrong and get diagnosed which is a huge step. In my case, talk therapy helped with immediate issues like damaged self-esteem and all the other gifts that go along with divorce. But when the talk stopped helping, it was time for drugs. For me anyway.

My therapist was a psychologist which meant he could not prescribe drugs. He wrote a request for me to bring to my regular doctor who is an internist, asking that he prescribe an appropriate medication for someone with dysthemia. Low level, chronic, depression. My favorite description for that is "a lack of joy."

I remember sitting on the chair in the exam room that day when my doc walked in. He is an excellent doctor (driver, excellent driver, buys his underwear at K-Mart) and he is also a smart ass. A gi-normous smart ass. He asked me the usual, how was I feeling, anything new, why did I come that day, etc. I handed him the note from my therapist feeling every bit the little girl handing a note from Mommy to the teacher. No, maybe the principal. He read the note and said "I won't be anybody's prescription pad. Hop up on the table."

After taking my blood pressure and listening to my heart, thumping on my back and pushing on my belly, he finally said something else. "So. What makes you think you are depressed?" I think he was sorry he asked. I immediately burst into tears. I tried to tell him about my divorce and my husband sleeping with half the western world and how I had anxiety attacks and would get diarrhea and I could barely leave the house and I was afraid I was a bad mom and.. and.. and .. by the time I took a breath I saw my doctors face with the look a lot of men get when women cry. The - 'I will do anything if only you would stop crying!' face. That may have been the only visit to his office, ever, that he did not make a crack about his wife, tell me how brilliant his son was or give me a tip on the ponies.

I left with a prescription for Prozac. It was the drug of the moment, everyone was doing it. It was not necessarily the answer for me but it was a place to start. Unfortunately the only way to find out if a med will work for you - is to try it. And if you don't know what you should feel like, don't know what "normal" feels like - it's an arduous and sometimes very long process to find the right drug for you. I tried many many drugs, some for as long as a year, some for as short as a week or two, and when I was asked if it was helping my answer was generally close to the same thing. "I don't know. Maybe. It's hard to tell." Which I know now, for me, meant NO. Because when I did find the right medication - or actually - combination of meds - I knew it.

It was night and day for me. But first I went through going to the OB/Gyne because I was sure I was experiencing peri-menopause and was put on the pill for a while. I tried drugs that made me physically ill and some that made my mouth so dry I could not spit. I took meds that did seem to help. A little. When I found the right med it just so happened it was at the same time I was on the pill. I thought hmmm, why not find out if it is the birth control pill or the anti-depressant that is helping me. Hormones on one hand, depression on the other. I'm a nutcase on one hand, I'm a normally hormonally crazy woman on the other. Hmmm.

I went off the anti-depressant first. I realized about 2 weeks later that there was this sort of darkness creeping in. Irritability, apathy, the hopelessness was starting to envelop me. It wasn't as bad as it had been - but I recognized it. It was almost like pulling a light blanket over my head, just enough to dull the world around me and put up a barrier. I knew for a fact that the blanket over my head would become heavier and more than I wanted to bear again. I went back on the meds. A few weeks later the light started to show through again. Ah-h-h. Picture a hammock, sunshine, and drinks with umbrellas ahh-h-h-h-h.

When I say it was like day and night for me - I do not mean the change was apparent immediately. It was a gradual thing, I needed to recognize 'happy' - and learn how to not be frightened to apply the word to myself. Surprisingly, coming out of depression can be a scary experience in it's own right. Sadness may be the only thing some people remember feeling. Being happy - or knowing just what that is and how to BE it - can be a daunting task when all you have known is NOT. It doesn't happen overnight but it is so worth it. It's much easier to learn 'happy' when you don't have bad feelings dragging you down. Hope becomes something you can feel - and oh what a gift that is!

I still have days when I get in a mood, feel down or sorry for myself, but the difference is that those days don't last. Everybody has those days and they don't frighten me anymore. I wish I could say now this is what you have to do to feel better. This is the way to achieve happiness. I don't hold the key, or any keys for that matter. I just know what I went through.

As far as trying different meds and wondering how to tell if one is effective or not? My advice - give it at least four or five months if it doesn't have side effects that bother you. Then ask yourself how you feel. If your answer is "I don't know" or "okay I guess" - and not - "good!" - then move on. You should know when you feel good. You need to have faith that you will recognize 'happy' when it hits you.

Some people never need medication, and some people suffer from a much more debilitating depression than I ever have. It's a complex thing, there isn't one answer for everyone and God knows I'm not a doctor - hell - I don't even play one on TV. So that's always the first place to start. Your doctor. And if your doctor doesn't listen to you - get louder, say it again, let them know you're serious. If that doesn't work - find a new doctor.

Being happy is not over rated I'm telling you. If you think you may need to seek help - you probably do. Just like millions (and I do mean millions) of other people out there. We aren't alone. It just feels like it when you are depressed.

Nite. :)