There are many indignities associated with going to the doctor, especially the gynecologist. I hadn’t been for a while – okay 2 years – and I needed to make an appearance. At this point in my life after having kidney stones, children, and a broken ankle that required a plate, screws and pins, I am an old hand at visiting my various physician’s offices.
The paper clothes they give you to put on in the examining room are always a great source of comfort for me. I might be lying about that.
Asking the nurse for a larger size paper skirt ( ? ) only got me a giggle from her and wrapping it around me and climbing up on the table – made it rip. Yay me!
The doctor had to review the normal things with me, allergies – no, first date of my last cycle – I gave her the date. On any meds right now? Yeah, and as I told her the first one, the second one made a really quick exit from my brain. Uh … it’s …uh … it’s a little blue one … I said hopefully. She was patient with me and wasn’t too condescending when she reminded me that there are a lot of little blue pills out there.
After getting the meds straightened out it was time to get down to it and my doc said the dreaded “put your feet in these and scooch down to the end of the table." It was at that point I realized that during my relaxing 20 minute wait in the paper skirt sitting on the table reading the book I had brought with me – I had been sweating. I had apparently made a perfect heat seal between me, the paper, and the vinyl cushioned top of the table. I wasn’t “scooching” anywhere without leaving a piece of me on the table or taking some extra paper down to the edge with me.
I’m starting to think that the older you get the worse the exam gets. It seems like they figure ANYthing will fit in there now – and they try to find random things from around the room to prove it. But the best part? She asked me to cough. Yeah, just like they do to guys but I got to cough with something akin to the kitchen sink in there. When I coughed the first time she looked at me like I was kidding and said “no, REALLY cough. Give me a good one.” And then - “again..”
So, yup – I peed on the doctor. I mean - sheesh – she ASKED for it, don’t ya think??!!!