Angels among us

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In a situation like this it's amazing how many people help you through it.  People who don't know you, don't know your loved one, but are there to help, guide, and comfort.  Like Kim from the E.R.. She told me about her mother and when she died, she came up to see my mom 2 days after she could have forgotten about her, she offered her comfort and let me know my mom had touched her.  There was Rich, a chaplain who sat with me on Sunday for a good 3 hours in the E.R. and talked with me about all kinds of things.  Quiet and simple conversation to make the time passing not so agonizing.  Velina on the 6th floor was exceptionally caring and gentle with my mom, and Lisa, the hospital/hospice liaison.  Kari, too.  They have all been wonderful.

Dr. Santa (yes, really) and Dr. Short, extremely gentle and kind and thankfully, honest with me.  It seems at every turn there is someone asking if I need something, if I think my mom is comfortable, asking me what I want to do, what measures we want to take.  There have been 2 more chaplains that have stopped in to offer solace and Elizabeth from the hospice team who is a constant, compassionate and helpful in letting my daughter and I know what the actual signs of dying are, what things and actions mean.  Sometimes there is great comfort in the science. 

Of course there are the people I work with who have been keeping in contact and offering support, they have all been wonderful through is.  And my blog-friends are terrific, always willing to listen to my happy and my sad and to offer their kinds words even when it's a difficult time and subject.

I came home just to feed my animals so my crabby old man cat doesn't poop on my bed, and to shower, but I felt a need to do this as well.  My mom is tough, she is hanging on but is surely going.  I have had a lot of time to say everything I need to say for me, and everything (I hope) she needs to hear. And writing here is one more way of working through the process.

My mom lived with my brother for 2 years and now he says I signed up for the hard leg of the journey.  But truly, I am glad for the opportunity.  And I am thankful for the angels on earth who are helping me through it.

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Today is that day.

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I now know that the main entrance to the hospital closes at 8:00 p.m. and the only place to enter after that time is through the E.R.  I know where to park during the day and where to park in the evening.  I can find my way from the E.R. to the "south tower" after hours through hallways old and new.  I am starting to recognize E.R. staff as well as some of the nurses and aides on a couple of different floors.  I never wanted this knowledge.

My mom went from being a hospital patient to a hospice patient today.  It's tough to be the one making these decisions but my brain knows this is the right one.  My heart on the other hand .. feels the pain of being the one to say no to any more "treatment" and yes to meds and options that bring comfort and support.  No to trying to fix things and yes to things that ease the process and allow my mom the dignity she deserves.  It's hard not to second guess decisions as important as these.  But I think it's harder to see someone you love struggle and suffer only to give them more time - to struggle and suffer some more.

You really can't be wearing make-up while making these decisions either.  You can consider that advice if you'd like to.

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Duh!

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It was 12:30 a.m. and I was leaving the hospital.  I stopped at the light, and was about to turn right on red because traffic was clear.  I saw a young guy - vaguely realized that he had  approached the car in front of me that made it through before the light turned red but really, I was too tired to give it any thought.  As I started to roll forward to begin my turn I looked to the side and there he was, about 5 yards from my car and when we made eye contact he came towards me.  I wasn't afraid although I suppose I should have been.  The kid was skinny as all get out, and seemed a bit frantic and odd to me.  I rolled down my window and he called out as he came closer "do you have a lighter I can see?"  Then I saw the cigarette in his hand.  Unlit cigarette.

He saw me push in my car cigarette lighter, something I haven't done in years and I saw relief flood his face.  He told me he was leaving the hospital, he lived up the road in the opposite direction I was going.  Said "I must have waved down 30 cars, no one would give me a light!"  I held out the lighter and he leaned closer, cupped his hands around the lighter and lit his cigarette.  "Thanks, I mean, I swear - must have been like 30 cars!  God bless you!"  And he turned and walked away.

As I drove away I was oddly pleased that I had chosen to trust somebody and hadn't had to pay for that choice in a bad way.  Okay, I WAS/AM sleep deprived and I suspect my judgment was a tad "off".  (ya think??)   And then I realized - I have been spending my time and  emotional energy  at the hospital since before noon yesterday, watching my mother struggle and fight for every breath because she smoked for 50 years.  And I was lighting a young guy's cigarette right outside that same hospital. 

It's amazing that I can still have that disconnect between the act and the consequences given what I have witnessed with my mom.  Seriously??  I totally enjoyed it when I did it.  But I am incredibly grateful to have been able to stop.

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Maxine Monday

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I had the need.

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I am on so many distribution lists at work it makes me want to scream.  But sometimes a distribution list in your email is actually needed. Or in your smart phone.  Like when you have an ill family member who you need to send updates out on.

I love Google.  I typed in "distribution list for iphone" and came up with this.  Downloaded it and 5 minutes later had a family distribution list called Mom/Grandma.

So yeah, she's on her way to the hospital as I type.  Going to get ready to meet her over there.  Again.  Try the app though if you have the need, it's super easy.

** Edited to add - just got back, Mom is back at the nursing home.  Even the doc and the nurse I spoke to at the hospital aren't sure why she was sent there.  I'd better check to see who owns that ambulance service!

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Meds! More Meds!!

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Took the crabby old man cat to the vet today and let them drain as much blood as they wanted as long as they only charged me for the tests he really needed.  $112.00 later and that included 2 catnip (guilt) toys later we were on our way home.  You ever notice how doctors (and that includes vets) hold your medication hostage if you don’t go see them often enough?  Yeah.  Have to visit and have the right tests before you get one. more. pill.  What.ever.  So he’s up to date now.

Later I went to see my mom.  They’ve been messing with her breathing treatments lately which I don’t get.  She has emphy-freaking-sema for gosh sakes!  IT IS NOT CURABLE.  So lets not try to wean her off her breathing meds, okay?  Before I left she was coughing quite a bit so on my way out I spoke to the nurse, Andrew. I let him know about the cough and I was a bit concerned, and we discussed giving her cough meds before bed so she would be able to sleep.

Almost home and my phone rang.  It was Mom, anxious about not having her night meds yet (it wasn’t time yet) and wanting me to talk to her to distract her from her anxiety.  I pulled into the Walgreen’s parking lot and turned the car off, listening to my mom try to tell me something one word at a time.  Difficult.  I reached into my purse and took out an Ambien.  It WAS time for MY meds.  I took one and went into the store.

 

During the call Mom started coughing so badly and for so long that I hung up on her and called the nurses station and asked Andrew to run down the hall and check on her.  About 10 minutes later (at check out) Andrew called back, they were going to take her to the hospital.

My thought was “Crap, I’ve already taken my Ambien!”

 

I asked him to let me know when the ambulance got there to get her, then I would meet her at the hospital.  Instead of that call – I got the call saying they changed their minds, Mom was more calm, breathing better, and not coughing so much.  The doctor gave the nurses a standing order for the night – to call an ambulance to take her if need be, but she doesn’t seem to need it now.

Thank God! 

I’m not going to have to fight the Ambien or drive under the influence of it, or fall asleep in the emergency room showing just what a concerned daughter I am!

She’ll go back to the hospital again, I know.  I’m just glad it wasn’t this time.  Nite Ya’ll!

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Remember when we used to answer the phone - even when we didn't know who it was?!??

Kitchen phone, but in white

I know, right?  I remember it well.  If we had had caller ID when I was in high school I never would have gotten my own phone (with my own number!!) in my bedroom if my mom could have looked at a display and been able to see it was for me. 

Remember running for the phone hoping it was for you, but even if it wasn't you still wanted to know who was calling?

Remember buying an extra long cord so you could pull the phone into a place of privacy and maybe even close a door?

Phone that was in my Mom's bedroom.

What about wanting to make a call and pacing because someone else was on the phone and not getting off any time soon?

Or finally getting to make your call and getting a busy single?  Or the very worst .. running to get the phone and just as you pick it up - they hang up?

THE phone in my bedroom.

No caller ID

No answering machine.

No voicemail.

The eternal mystery.

And I never even dreamed of having a phone to carry in my purse that worked without a cord that could take messages and show me who was calling and plenty more.  

Now - I don't answer my phone a lot and I generally don't run for it.  We are so connected these days I guess I'm just not in a hurry to find out who's calling anymore.