Questions I Never Asked My Doctor

My personal physician of over 30 years has passed away. Suddenly. 

This is very strange, the mix of emotions are confusing to me. I knew this man for what seems like forever. He was there for my kidney stones, my colon cancer, various surgeries and procedures I've had over the years. He managed my medications, ordered my blood work, and applied his smart a$$ sense of humor liberally. 

And suddenly, he is gone and I feel like I'm grieving the man. I'm shocked, in disbelief that he is no

longer in his office kvetching about other doctors but always spending time and never rushing me through an appointment. He isn't there working past office closing, eating chocolate at his desk and giving instructions to his nurse. 

He actually isn't there anymore. It's real.

I'm angry because about a year ago I told him I needed him to give me the name of another doctor in case he retired, I did not want to be passed to one of his partners, I wanted someone he would recommend because - it was going to need to be someone he would approve of. He said he would think about it, but he wasn't going to retire for another 10 years. I never got that name.

This man played a big part in my life for the last 30+ years and I realized I never asked him "how are you doing, how are you feeling?" My visits were always about me, not him, although he did tell some funny stories about his son or his mom. But I never knew how HE was.

His name was Richard Cash. He was an internist and a beloved one at that. And as I searched for an obituary I realized I didn't know what his family called him, his wife - did she call him Dick? No, he wasn't a Dick - although he would beg to differ. :) Rich? Maybe. I do know his mother called him god (with a small g) because medically he was EVERYTHING. What did she call him, I wonder? Besides god, I mean.

There was  a string posted on social media about someone losing their primary care doctor, and it went on and on and on - once everyone realized the post was about Dr. Cash. People adored him, they trusted him, they were feeling at a loss just like I was. And someone said he was a twin! How come I didn't know that? Apparently his twin has passed as well.

He was my doctor but he was also a human being and I feel terrible that I did not ask him questions about HIM more than I did. It's a very selfish feeling. There is no obituary, except a couple fake ones. Even some guy with a thick Indian accent talking about him on a YouTube video, basically repeating what one of the fake obits said. What is THAT all about, anyway? Fake obituaries?? People are vultures.

So, no obituary, no pictures, he rarely allowed them to be taken - and never - for his profession. It's like he's been erased. Makes me sad. I will miss him greatly.

Rest in Peace Dr. Cash. You deserved more time.

Things You Learn ..

5 yr old Granddaughter: Everybody has smelly farts.

Grandma: Um .. yeah.

5 yr old Granddaughter: But sometimes they can smell like perfume.

Grandma: ?

5 yr old Granddaughter: Yeah, that means you're about to die.

Grandma: 👀

SERIOUSLY??

I don't mean to always be complaining but c'mon! Apparently I am not allowed to have any brand loyalty because if I do, whatever it is .. will go away!

The first thing I loved that went away was Stouffer's Noodles Romanoff. I loved that stuff. Not health concious, but really yummy. The next thing was Lender's Onion Bagels. I have eaten those almost every day for well over 20 years. Company was sold and while I can still see the bagels online, I cannot buy them and they are not in grocery stores near me.

There have been other things over the years and it's amazing how consistently this happens to me. My daughter says it's because I DO have brand loyalty and am unwilling to try different brands once I find one I like. Well - DUH! 

So my daughter gave her daughter some cottage cheese a couple weeks ago. My granddaughter didn't like it and told her mom "I only like Grandmas cottage cheese." Whoops. My daughter texted me to ask what the brand was and I told her it was Deans small curd, lowfat. Google told her - it was gone. 

Cottage cheese? REALLY???

And now - it's my makeup remover wipes. I know. And it is the iconic brand of Ponds! Yes, you can buy Ponds cold cream and other products. But the towelettes for makeup removal are gone. I have been trying others but most bother my eyes and since I am removing EYE MAKEUP with them, it's not like I can avoid my eyes. Sigh-h-h...

I've been trying to think of other things that have gone away over the years, I know there was only 1 hairball treat my cat Abby would eat. Those were discontinued. Apparently Abby has brand loyalty too. There was a sweet and sour salad dressing I loved that I used to eat with cucumbers and I have been searching in vain for a replacement for quite a while. 

Oh you KNOW there are more.

I camnot be the only person who used these products, who loved these products, who misses them now that they are gone! 

I'm just the only dumba$$ who bothers to spend the time lamenting about it online. ARGH.

THIS guy!!

(I'm pretending I haven't been absent without explanation - for now.)

So look who has been showing up on social media lately - with teases about an upcoming Christmas album (possibly) and even more exciting - a new Christmas song written by him! Steve Perry. :) 

He is looking good, fit, trim, and in good spirits. I hope that means he keeps popping up when I am least expecting it, the photos always make me smile, no matter what mood I'm in. 

In Hanford, his birthplace.

In his studio, the "love box."

He titled this one "Road trip to my city by the bay."

I still love that he has kept his gray hair, whether he keeps it short or lets it get shaggy - he's keeping it real! Cannot wait to hear his voice, THE Voice, once again,

It's Been a While!

I actually didn't realize how long it has been since I'd written here. There have been things going on that I will eventually write about, but not yet. And in keeping myself busy working on healing from some stuff, I've been putting a ton of effort into my Etsy Shop.

My therapist (she says like everyone has one) says that being creative is one of the healthiest ways of working through 'issues'. I haz 'em. But actually, there is no therapist anymore. I mean - she still exists in the world, but just not as someone I will be seeing anymore. Not counting out the future, but for now - I think I'm good. 

There has never been a time in my life where I felt the need to totally step back, take a breath (or several) and reevaluate a lot of things. Take myself out of a completely toxic and demoralizing situation for the good of - ME. Not when I got divorced, not when other things in my life seemed overwhelming or unmanageable, but this time - I needed that break. AND I TOOK IT. 

At first I felt weak and unsure if it would help, I wondered what others would think, if they could possibly understand what I was doing and why. But you know what? I don't care. I needed the break, the breather. And I'm actually kind of proud of myself that I did it because it has been good for me, very good. 

I don't wish bad situations on anyone, but I do hope others are able to take that step back, to really look at what they are doing, what they want to be doing, and if they should continue doing it. I know it's not possible for everyone for a multitude of reasons, but sometimes a time out isn't a punishment, it is a necessity and a very healthy thing.

So ..

I have been working on some things, keeping my hands busy and being creative is good for my mental health. There was a time when I made pot holder after pot holder after pot holder. I have been told this is a very healthy strategy. When I am having trouble concentrating or focusing on things that are bothering me, making something makes me feel like a superstar! 

This blog was started a million years ago to promote my Etsy shop, and then I kind of drifted away from that and it became a personal blog. I've decided to reopen my shop with a different name, a different style, and for different reasons. Regardless of why - it is now open. 

Funny, when it was open to begin with I was really into customizing my blog and attached the link to my shop at the bottom of this page. If I click on it now it will still take me to my new shop but I have no idea how to change the actual picture of the link. I've forgotten how and it seems too hard to devote time to. 

Although, I may have accidentally jusr figured it out. Lol! That is too funny. The brain is a wondrous thing that works in mysterious ways. :)

Life Changes

Sometimes you have to reevaluate. Determine whether your life is making you happy, or whether you are in control or if other external forces are. 

It's time for me to do this, to look at what I want, what my abilities are, what makes me happy. What do I really want to do? And it's time to take control of my life, whether it is good, bad, or ugly. I am a firm believer in personal responsibility, which includes not blaming other people for where you are in life. Everyone has choices, everyone has good and bad circumstances to deal with, and everyone decides how to react to their individual situation. 

Things were feeling dark for a bit, but after working through it, I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The end of the tunnel may not be as close as I would like .. but at least I can see it.

There is this little girl who brings me joy - who loves princess dresses, nail polish, and fire trucks. Oh how I appreciate the time I get to spend with her. She has remained a constant, that good thing that has never failed to make me smile. There is always something (or someone) to be grateful for. A young child who  has not learned to be mean or manipulative, or guarded or dishonest. In my case, a grandchild. She is pure light.

So, I have that goin' for me. :)

Thank God.

Moving forward, hopefully I will make good choices, react well to circumstances, and move in a positive direction. Working on it. Because at some point you can't sell your soul for money or anything else, and I am not willing to do that. We will see where I end up but I am unwilling to carry that heavy weight anymore. 

Things are just bad.

Right now it would be lovely to write about what's going on. I am going through something I've never been through before, and many days feel as if I am hanging onto sanity by a thread. At some point I will elaborate, but not now.

Still, with all the bad, there are bright spots. 4 yr old granddaughter stayed overnight at my house, last night. Oh she was tossing and turning, there were a lot of "Grandma, can you .." this, and "Grandma, can you .." that? "It's too hot" "It's too cold" or "I don't like the fan on, Grandma." Sigh-h-h ...

At some point it was "Grandma? Can you please hold me?"

Oh yes, Sweetheart. Absolutely. Any time you want, and twice on Sunday. 

Oh, my heart. 💗

Spring would be nice about now.

It has snowed 3 times in the last 4 days.

 I'm SO over it.

Have to admit, this is pretty cool.

"Don't Stop Believin'" has been inducted into the Library of Congress. 

Steve indicated that as the child of immigrants, this is a classic "only in America" story. So true. 

I had a birthday recently

 

Can you hear me from there??

Some things never change

I don't write here when I'm feeling bad.

Especially if I don't want to elaborate.

That is all. 

We had snow today. It is the day before April, God! C'mon, man!!

There's a lot going on.

Which camp do you fall into?

            OR ...

Not sure if there is any in-between right now. 

Out of the mouths of ..

Walking across the parking lot at preschool - headed to the car.

4 yr old granddaughter: "C'mon Grandma! Let's jump!" as she proceeds to hop on both feet quickly across the asphalt while pulling me by the hand.

Me:  "I'm coming Honey, I don't jump real well these days. I'm a bunch older than you, it's harder for me." I do a modified hop/skip to the car.   

4 yr old granddaughter:  "Grandma? Were you this old when you were born?"

Me:  "Well no, I was a baby when I was born, just like you were!"

4 yr old granddaugher:  "I was born on my birthday!" Big smile.

Me:  "I was born on my birthday too!"

The thoughts hop around as quickly as her feet do! I have trouble keeping up with those too!

Once upon a time ..

I worked at a place, where there was a VP of the department I worked in, who was known for taking calls on speaker while leaving his office door open. I skyped someone once and told them - hey - Sam has your call on speaker with the door open and we can all hear it. So wrong.

Sam (as I'm calling him) regularly made people cry, berated people in front of others, and pushed people so hard they quit.

But he was making progress with projects and moving things along successfully.

Behind the scenes, his boss had hired a manager coach, to see if he could be taught to deal with people differently. None of us knew that, but we did know to stay out of his path if we could. 

One day the president of the company called those of us who were onsite into a conference room, and pulled in others by conference call, to announce that Sam had been let go. She told us that although he was successful at the things he had been asked to do for the company, the way he treated people was unacceptable and could no longer be tolerated.

We were shocked. I was hugely shocked. The president (I will call her Sheila) told us about the coaching, about how many months had gone into trying to improve his ability to manage people. But in the end - other employees and their well being meant more to Sheila than one man who was a bully.

I was still fairly new at this company, and wasn't sure Sheila even knew who I was. I had no idea if it
was appropriate for me to email the president of the company but I didn't care. When I got back to my desk I emailed Sheila to thank her. I was near tears as I typed. I explained that the previous place I had worked - Sam would have been promoted, such was the toxic culture of that employer.

I needed her to know how much it meant to me, personally, that she had taken the stand she did, and how happy it made me that this was the atmosphere in the place where I was now employed. It mattered then. It still matters to me now.

Sheila is retiring. I will miss her leadership but more than that - I will miss her heart and her simple goodness. Those are qualities sorely missing from much of corporate America.

In a world where you can be anything, be a Sheila.

Oh Steve, looking a bit desperate, aren't you?

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INSTAGRAM

FACEBOOK

TWITTER

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I mean ... have some dignity, man! 😂

Who ARE these people?

This happens so much on Instagram it's ridiculous. I delete several a day, every once in a while opening them for my own amusement. I have Keanu Reeves, Lee Greenwood, and of course Steve Perry sending me DMs to connect, all the time.

What's amazing to me is regardless of how ridiculous these messages are, there are people who answer them. People believe celebrities are so taken with their profile that they are contacting them outside their verified account! They believe random people want to date them, or offer them the secret to making millions of dollars. Pretty sure if I had millions of dollars I would be contacting strangers on the Internet to tell them how I got my money!

Not sure what bothers me most - these annoying messages or that there are people who believe them!

The Olympics

Anyone watching? Well, I know no one is reading here so the question is moot. 

I used to watch when I was a kid - it was a big deal back then, of course we only had like 4 channels to
choose from and it was the only thing to watch that wasn't the usual. Now, we have as many channels as

we choose to pay for, cable, streaming, however we get our TV - there is a lot of it.

But I haven't watched since they started allowing professional athletes to compete. It didn't make sense to me anymore. It was all about amateur athletes working hard to get to their dream of competing in the Olympics. Somehow professional athletes seemed to have an advantage to me, seeing as how that was how they were making their living. Not even sure if anyone would consider that a valid argument against watching. But it is my reason. It's not a political stand or a principle I'm standing on. It's as simple as - that's what made me lose interest since it didn't represent what it used to, to me.

Many people aren't watching this year because the games are being held in China. I suppose that might be a consideration if I was interested but I'm just not. 

Makes me a little sad. I remember very clearly feeling proud of our athletes, watching them coming out during the opening ceremonies, crying with them when they won - and when they lost. 

It's just not there anymore. One more thing that has changed as I've gotten older.

Mourning the dove

A dove died on my deck overnight and my camera did not catch it. One video shows a raccoon rummaging around, and another video an hour later shows 2 uninjured doves sitting on the railing,
feathers scattered all over the place and some blood in the snow on the deck. The dove that was attacked was nowhere to be found, ostensibly taken by a predator as a meal.

I've thought about this - birds and squirrels, possums and raccoons have started to think of my back deck as a safe place where there is bird seed and peanuts and sunflower seeds. There is always fresh water, and it's usually not frozen. But did something notice my deck and stake it out to hunt their breakfast?

It's just a dove, right? Circle of life and all that? Yeah. Not feeling it.

I cleaned up what I could, but there is still some blood frozen into the snow, and some random feathers that I missed. Other birds are still coming to eat, and squirrels as well. But there was a single dove eating some seed later in the morning, all alone. Mourning doves do not necessarily mate for life, but it is believed they are aware of the loss of their mate if it happens, and mourn that loss. 

Ugh. Makes me rethink feeding birds and wildlife. It was inevitable that something like this would happen at some point, but it is a bad feeling. 

He's hopelessly in love with me

My boy Cruz. 

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