I didn't realize it (see heel of hand hitting forehead) but it's June - the wedding month. June is when my Mom's birthday is, and the anniversary of my wedding. But it's not an anniversary I celebrate obviously, because I'm not married to that man anymore, haven't been for oh - 12 ....... ish .... years. Wouldn't want to be married to him anymore! Have no idea who he is now (did I ever, really?) and that's okay. I have 2 beautiful children and I will never complain about that.
I don't want to get married again. Is that wrong? People seem to want to convince me I don't mean that when I say it. Actually I find it to be SO freeing to say it out loud! It is a wonderful thing to me to not be the me who needed someone in my life to feel that I was worthy somehow. (thanks dad!)
There were times in my life when I accepted things I shouldn't have, tried to mold myself into something I wasn't, and even practiced true denial so I wouldn't be alone.
me: "well, would you consider getting rid of the girlfriend so we can at least go to counseling to see if there is anything left to save?"
him: "What? You think she's the first?"
I am not that person anymore and I am so happy to be able to say that.
After my divorce, I spent many years forgiving lie after lie, absorbing the hurts - letting someone else define who I was and not disputing the definition too hard because - gasp - I might lose him!! Ugh. I was told I had no sense of humor. I was afraid to even attempt to say something funny because he wouldn't laugh (he couldn't contradict the pronouncement he had made!) and then I would feel stupid. I was told I didn't like people (because I am not someone who needs people around all of the time), that I didn't like music (because I listened to talk radio), and on and on. I could never say thank you enough times for anything he did for me - and he did quite a bit. I would say thank you, say it again later, and then ever after when he reminded me what he did for me. In the end - I was never grateful enough.
I told him he did not have to love my cats, he did not even have to like them. All I asked was that he leave them alone. But no. Somehow it was important (or perhaps funny) to him to show those darn cats who was boss - by making a loud noise - stomping his feet and charging at them - or whipping his ball cap across the room at them. Scaring them half to death was so amusing. No wonder my boy cat peed on his carpet! He was expressing something I wouldn't.
Y'know, I was always grateful for what he did for me. He did things for me that I would never have been able to do for myself without great financial expense or blood sweat and tears. Whether he believed it or not I was grateful. I always will be. But I could not continue to accept the half truths, broken promises, and his protestations of innocence when I knew different. I could not continue to protect and coddle his ego just because he needed me to. I needed out. It took me so long - he just kept coming back. It was familiar. It wasn't what either of us wanted. It wasn't all bad - but it wasn't healthy.
He thought there was someone else. There wasn't. I had just finally disconnected myself emotionally to the point that he could feel it. It was tangible. And it put him into the panic mode that I spent most of our relationship in - knowing something was wrong - needing to fix it. The heart beating out of my chest - the difficulty breathing - the drive to listen to his answering machine a few times, check his caller ID because I knew there was something. Someone. He finally felt it too. Except he was wrong - I wasn't wrong when I felt it. I lived my life with him always unsure of myself, him, and in a state of high anxiety. Like I said, there were good things - but for the most part - it was unhealthy.
It would be really nice if he could just be happy for me now and wish me well as I do him.
It's been over 2 years and I feel so much better now. So much more ME - more willing to take a chance - more willing to allow someone into my life without contorting myself to be what he wants me to be. There is no worry that I am somehow not good enough. I'm not afraid to say anything. Be anything.
Looking into my boyfriends eyes the other day, having a relaxed hour together, I watched his smile broaden and crack into a grin. When he grins - his nose crinkles up in the most adorable way and he smiles with his eyes --he really does smile with his whole face. He laughs when I say something funny and does not make pronouncements about who I am based on the qualities I have that are different from his. He accepts me. Totally. He is a joy.
But I still don't want to get married again. And that's not wrong. :)
It's taken me so long to get here. So very long. But I am glad I got here. Finally.