She’s not wrong.

Me: Sweetie! Look outside, look how pretty the sky is!

Granddaughter: Oh! It’s beautiful! Just like me!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I admit it, I whine, I complain, but do not think I don't know how good I have it. I have kids, a grandchild, a job, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. And oh - I have plenty of things I wanted but did not need. My life is good.

If anyone stumbles across this blog today, whether Thanksgiving is something you celebrate or not, I wish you blessings and nothing but good things in your life.

Working from home. With cats.

Working from home has been something to get used to, since the pandemic began. Now it looks like many of us will continue working from home once it ends. There are pros and cons but my cats would tell you it's great! 

I have 4 cats, my self-imposed limit. That's not to say that if I had the resources I might have a bigger house and another cat or 2. But there would be a lot of conditions. 4 is a good number for me now, although I should probably only have 2. If I had a house with a catio, or someone to come vacuum for me everyday, maybe I would be better at justifying 4. However, I met a guy once who had 16 so I don't consider myself over the top.

There are usually 2 or 3 cats in my office at any given moment during the day, the only time there are 4 is if Emmett comes in at 5:01pm (now that's he's gotten used to the time change) to meow at me for dinner.

Cruz is my frequent flier and biggest nuisance er .. velcro cat. He has to be on my desk between me and my keyboard, or between my keyboard and monitors, or wherever he can cause the most amount of disruption, in general. He wants me to pay more attention to him than is practical while typing.

Louise likes to come in and meow plaintively at me because in the morning there are reflections dancing on the walls that remind her of the red dot. The red dot is her psychosis inducing nemesis. Eventually she climbs onto the cat tree and goes to sleep.

Abby will murder me in my sleep one day, I'm convinced. But being home and having access to me almost 24/7 seems to have mellowed her a bit. Now she only plans to murder me when I'm touching her. She has a place of honor on my desk, she lays in front of the window on some cat blankets and basks in the sun in the morning. In the afternoon she switches to an enclosed bed under my desk.

Emmett, well, Emmett. He is my scaredy-cat who hides under or on my bed during the day. He doesn't hang with us in the office and only emerges when his stomach (which is VERY reliable) tells him it is time to eat. 

It's possible that working from home without my cats would be harder. They bring some comfort during the day, humor, and loads of cat hair. But it's also fair to say that working at home with my cats, isn't any easier either! 

 Cruz                                  Louise                                 Abby                             Emmett

Sometimes This is All I Need

Sometimes when my day is bad, when my spirits are crushed and hopes are dashed, this little 4 year old tornado of a child comes over and bakes box-mix brownies with me, and all is right with my world.

I was not a perfect parent by any means, ask my kids - they'll tell you. But somehow I still got rewarded with a grandchild which to me is a gift to treasure forever. 

This little girl is growing up way too fast but because of the invention of the smartphone, there are pictures and more pictures to look back and remember the days she fell asleep in Grandmas arms, tried to drink Grandmas tea, and tried to climb the cat tree. 

Right now those pictures allow me to look back and remember when she was a baby and relive all the moments we have spent together so far.

Hopefully someday those pictures will be what she uses to remember things she did at Grandmas house, music she heard, treats she talked me into, and with videos - even remember the sound of Grandmas voice. Right now the pictures aren't so important to her, one day - they will be some of the only things she has of me.

Friday Felt Worse Than a Bad Monday!

So. Friday. We all look forward to Friday, right? I'm no different. But Friday last, was a no good, bad, very bad day. SO BAD. I mean .. I had what I would consider something of a meltdown in the middle of my work day which is something that hasn't happened in a very long time. It had been building up and totally crashed in on me, on Friday. My heart was racing, my adrenaline was flowing and if I could have, I would have shut down my computer and run away. As fast and as far as I could have. 

After a while I began to feel a bit better after unloading all my panic onto a sympathetic coworker, but it didn't make the actual issue go away. I may have just pushed it out further.

By the end of the day I was beat, just so tired, demoralized, and my confidence was at an all-time low. So what did I do? Exactly what people who tend to be emotional eaters do. I planned what I wanted to drown my sorrows in for dinner.

NOT my pizza

My choice was Chicago style, deep dish pepperoni pizza with cheese for days. I almost added chocolate, chocolate chip Haagen-Dazs to the menu but decided that would be overkill.

I should have added it.

Because what happened when I got my hands on that yummy, heavy, gooey, cheesy, pizza? It was burnt. A little bit on top, not enough to give it away at first, but when I cut into it - yeah, the bottom. It was burnt. I mean .. what ELSE???

I am at my desk now (on a Sunday night!), hoping to finish some things I needed to finish last week. I watched my granddaughter today and we made brownies which I shouldn't have eaten. But almost had a panic attack today thinking about the moment I needed to sit down and continue working, so thought I preemptively earned the brownie(s). 

That remains to be seen. Wish me luck you nonexistent readers. 

Long Day

Up at the butt-crack of dawn today, at my desk by 5:15am. Luckily my commute is super short and I was able to work in my pajamas. By 6:30 I was done and determined to go back to sleep. My sleeping skills used to be so good I could have taught a master class! Not so anymore, I wasn’t able to doze off. 

Went through my normal workday, left a bit early to pick up dinner at a drive-thru and my granddaughter from pre-school. Rushed her home, had some dinner with her, got her changed into her unitard, her hair up, and out the door to gymnastics. Spent 50 minutes watching her run, tumble, and roll, through glass, before it was time to get her back home. 

Her dad was home by the time we got there and I was back in my car, driving home to my house, shortly after. At home there were litter boxes to scoop and my regular nighttime tasks. Had my pajamas on by 8:45, it felt like midnight. I’m tired. 

Looked in the mirror. Whoops. I look as tired as I feel. This is a 62 year old woman with circles under her eyes, no makeup, no eyebrows, with a crooked half-smile and a saggy neck. No filter, just real. Me. It’s true, if I had the resources I would get some things done, not gonna lie. But I’m too tired to be vain tonight and I feel like being honest. Honestly me. 

Tomorrow is my 2nd IV iron infusion. Won't know for a couple weeks yet, whether it will make a difference. I'm just tired, ya'll.

I Would be in Favor of Morning if ..

There are morning people out there, and there are even morning people who are perky very early in the day. Pretty sure those perky morning people might be struggling with a mental disorder, but I can't prove it. Regardless, I am not a morning person, and certainly not perky in the morning. There might be an argument made that I am not ever perky, and I'm not sure that word has ever been used to describe me. But I digress.

Morning people are fine, as long as they let me sleep. In some ways I wish I were a morning person because it seems more people are morning people than people who are like me who would rather pull the covers over their head and go back to sleep. It seems to be a more acceptable way of life that I wouldn't mind being a part of. But alas, I am not. 

So tomorrow morning when I need to be at my desk at 5:20am to do some go-live testing (technical I.T. talk), I will be there. I am reliable. But I will not be happy, and God knows I will not be perky.

Also - if the testing is successful and goes quickly - you can bet your sweet a$$ I will go back to bed.

As I have said in the past - I would be in favor of morning, if it would come later in the day. Who do I talk to about arranging that?

I mean ...

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Through The Eyes of a Child

 My sweet 4 year old Granddaughter. Sound on.

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Life Choices

In 1985, in a "Superstars of Rock" interview, the great philosopher Steve Perry, said "I guess it is safer to be lonely, sometimes."

He didn't say it's safer to be alone. He said it's safer to be lonely. The connotation is there is a longing to not be alone. That says so much.

For me, the statement "it's safer to be alone" would be more accurate. After my divorce I walked away from an engagement and have never married again. It's not like there have been a bunch of proposals thrown in my path since 1995. But my Mom was married and divorced twice. My dad was married 3 times, divorced once, widowed, and then he died. My brothers have both been married and divorced twice, as has my sister.

Maybe being the youngest, I am the one to break the chain. Married once, divorced once. I mean - who wants to be a statistic, anyway?

Although it would be nice to have someone to lift heavy things and fix stuff. And I don't give a rat's a$$ whether or not that's sexist.

Who HASN'T Cut Their Own Hair During This Pandemic?

This morning Steve Perry did a radio interview and the host told him she loved his new natural hair. He said during the pandemic he wasn't getting haircuts or getting it dyed, it started to grow out and he simply decided to cut off the black (himself!!) and go with the gray. I am so glad he did!

How many others have cut their own hair during this pandemic?? I know I have, and many others have as well. Circumstances have called for it.

What surprised me was when he said he used to cut his own hair when he was on tour. How many housekeeping staff at the hotels he stayed at missed hunks of hair tossed in the garbage that belonged to Mr. Perry himself??

This pic is one that has always made me smile because the caption in my head is "Yep! I cut it myself!" And there ya go, that's probably exactly what was happening when it was taken. The quality of the photo is pretty bad, but you can see the look on his face. It says it all, and that sure looks like a fresh haircut to me!

Bone Tired

Yep, first IV iron infusion is in the books. It was uneventful in that it was just like getting an IV for anything else, then sitting until the drip was done and the bag was empty. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, or something equally corny. 

Not excited to find out it usually takes about 3 weeks to start making a difference in terms of mitigating symptoms. Argh. 

So I go again next week, then there will be a break of a couple weeks - a CBC done, and another infusion. I guess. Not sure on all the timing, I just want to stop feeling so tired. It’s not sleepy, necessarily, just slow, leaden, tired. 

I’m told that once I start to feel better, I will realize just how bad I felt. And oh boy am I looking forward to that!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first IV iron infusion. There is no telling how long it will take for this stuff to kick in and give me back my brain, take away my headaches and stop my hair from falling out. Sheesh, sounds attractive, doesn't it?

Guys, guys .. don't jostle .. 👀

A Drawback or Two

There are things I really like about not having a significant other living in my home. I am so used to having my own space, it would be really tough to learn to share it again. The choice of TV programs is always mine, there is no compromising or sitting through something that bores me to tears. If I want to skip breakfast (lunch or dinner) and choose to eat at 3:00pm or start my day with leftover birthday cake -  there’s no one wagging their finger at me telling me I need to eat better. And really, if there is leftover birthday cake, why wouldn’t you eat it for breakfast?

 

If I can’t sleep and want to put the TV on at 2:00am, there is no one asking me to turn it down, or off. And if I want to sleep in grandma pajamas there is no one rolling their eyes at me for being, well, a grandma! If I want 17 cats (I don’t!) I can have them, and I don’t have to consider my decorating in terms of being too feminine or .. too anything, really. It only has to appeal to me. 

There’s no one to say “who are you talking to?” whenever I’m on the phone. No one to ask “where are you going?” when I walk out the door. If I want to leave the house at 11:30pm to mail a letter there is no one to ask 20 questions about what I’m mailing, who is it to, and why can’t it wait till morning?

However, there is also no one to let me know my makeup is smudged, I have cat hair on my pants, or that I’ve got chili (or wine, I guess) on my shirt so I don’t find it until it is dry and the stain is set. 

Those things are important too! But important enough? Lol! NAH!

File This Under: Things are Different Now.

The little boy across the street actually brought salt and pepper out for his mud pie once. Boy was his mom pissed!!

Snapshots

There is a snapshot in time of my going outside to play with other kids for the first time since being told about my parents impending divorce. Kim from down the street had come over and we were walking on the curb in front of my house, balancing so as to not step off into the water in the gutter. I can see my sun-browned feet and feel the quiet between us, yet hear the roaring in my ears. No one told me not to say anything, but speaking it aloud was somehow scary, shameful, and would make it real. So I was silent, and felt alone even with a friend by my side.

I don't recall ever speaking about it with my friends, it just was. My life changed in an instant, the whole world looked different to me, everyone knew - but I never spoke of it.

Life went on, scar tissue formed, and I turned inward. It wasn't like today where people are hyper-aware of how hard divorce is on kids, and it's certainly not unusual anymore. But back then, in 1970, I was 11 years old and the only kid out of my group of friends whose parents were divorced. For some reason this one snapshot in time is stamped in my mind, representative of a broken, sensitive, child who didn't know there was anywhere to turn.

It was all so unspoken back then. Or was that just my family? I honestly have no idea.

Today, Was a Good Day.

Merry Christmas all you Perry people!

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Merry Christmas. 

Dear, Dear, Emmett 💗

So yeah, IV iron infusions. No weird blood disease or anything serious like that, my body just decided to stop absorbing iron. Not serious but does need to be treated. 

Came home with a headache which I am starting to think is related to my aversion to drinking water. Tea in the morning, 2 big 14oz mugs, which is a total diuretic. Then maybe diet Pepsi .. but not enough to hydrate my body. I've never developed those good habits.

Waking up with a headache most days is most likely equal parts anemia, and dehydration due to my desire to only consume things that taste good. Water does not taste good. Doesn't taste bad either, it doesn't .. taste .. at all. But .. I am trying to do better.

Like I said, came home with a headache so laid down for a little while, and Emmett decided he would help make it all better. He's such a love but oh, so, awkward.

And if you think it's cute that he's making biscuits on my head - he's using his nails. Just sayin'.

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He is cute though. 💗

From Day to Day

Some days I feel young, not quite like high school young, but maybe kids being 2 and 4 years old young.

Other days I feel every minute of my 62 years. When talking about my health - that's an old day.

Going to a new doc tomorrow to find out if what my crabby old man internist wants me to have, an iron infusion treatment, is necessary. We will see. 

Blah blah, blah blah blah. I'm old and aging sucks. Tomorrow evening - hopefully my mood will shift back to young again but for now - not so much.

That is the mood today. Just sayin'. 

Trying Hard Not to be a Fan Page But ..

When this pops up on your wrist unexpectedly and unbidden, you have to post it somewhere, right? Steve is getting ready for the release of his Christmas album and has signed more CDs because the others sold out. It is amazing what a fan base he still has after years and years of being out of the spotlight. 

People have speculated on why that is so but my opinion is it's about the emotion he puts into his music. There are lyrics, but then there are lyrics sung by Steve Perry. His vocal ability is unmatched, and for many years Steve wasn't given the respect his voice and talent deserved. Thankfully, that has changed in recent years which is a great thing.

The Season is being released November 5th, and Steve is also doing a live chat on YouTube that day. Can't wait!